falling slowly.

take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time
raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
you'll make it now

sweet tooth.

tasty new bands:

Your Vegas
Pilate
Fiction Plane
PINK FLOYD (why didn't I listen to them earlier?!)
Soundtrack from the movie Once

so many albums to add to my xmas wish list.

wow, there's actually snow!

i am home! i have missed my family muchies!

music from morn to night.

this is probably the best decision I could have ever made.

breathe

long you live and high you fly
smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
all you touch and all you see
is all your life will ever be
-- pink floyd

the void.

you tell me it's too much, can't make up your mind
so i stand here waiting hoping you'll be mine
i start to fall, and i start to dream
and i stand here hoping that i'll be seen
you and I, it's a tragedy
clinging onto broken strings, unfinished stories
pick up the pieces, bind them with me
the invisible ghost for all to see
your eyes won't wake up to me
it must be winter's lonely presense
- hark.

it's such a waste.

tonight I lack the strength to even move,
and you walked, now watch me die
but I know this is harder for you,
for love has let you down
and the road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
so walk, yeah walk on by
and I failed to give you everything you need,
for the fears, behind your eyes

i'm turning into my mother.

and if i ever fall
and land so hard i can't get up
your love reaches me from miles away
bringing me back to my feet
making me stronger everyday.

such a perfect thrill.

OMG... these lyrics are so beautiful woooow

this morning ends this thrill, for you just made your kill,
you took that dream and slowly slit its throat
the silence burns my ears, my senses are aware
the morning sun tears through last night's snow

do you know what i've been feeling,
did you know my mind was reeling,
have you ever seen the sun go down on such a perfect thrill
such a perfect thrill, for you just made your kill

there's blood upon this ground, there's silence in this town,
your crime has not yet frozen morning smiles
you know they'll track your feet, you know you've cut them deep,
you'll leave us now and walk those lonely miles

do you know what i've been feeling,
did you know my mind was reeling,
have you ever seen the sun go down on such a perfect thrill
such a perfect thrill, for you just made your kill

you turned your back,
broke from this track,
for empty halls where you fear calls,
slip through the door,
out into night,
you steal through town under moonlight

i've been blind lately, despite these crimes im wading in
you've got lies lady, but overtime i'll share your sin

with rain clouds pending a storm.

i am in love with pilot speed.

this broken part of me made me who i am.

these aches and pains
wait for the medication to relieve you
these hunger pangs and cravings
wait for the food to nourish you
these cuts and bruises
wait for your body to heal you
this broken heart
don't wait for someone to fix it, because it's all up to you.

the right words at the right time.

"It's a misery peculiar to would be writers. Your theme is good, as are your sentences. Your characters are so ruddy with life they practically need birth certificates. The plot you've mapped out for them is grand, simple and gripping. You've done your research, gathering the facts - historical, social, climatic, sulinary - that will give your story its feel of authenticity. The dialogue zips along, crackling with tension. The descriptions burst with colour, contrast and telling detail. Really, your story can only be great. But it all adds up to nothing. In spite of the obvious, shining promise of it, there comes a moment when you realize that the whisper that has been pestering you all along from the back of your mind is speaking the flat, awful truth: it won't work. An element is missing, that spark that brings to life a real story, regardless of whether the history or the food is right. Your story is emotionally dead, that the crux of it. The discovery is something soul-destroying, I tell you. It leaves you with an aching hunger."
-- The Life of Pi

every day is a bit more clearer.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
-- Henry Thoreau

new beats.

pick apart
the pieces of your heart
and let me peer in
let me in
where only your thoughts have been
let me occupy your mind
as you do mine

sucked in.

you speak so sweet
with words so delicate
like the glass i hope that will never shatter

rain go away.

i really need some stability in my life.
these last two weeks have been ridiculous. a crazy roommate, slashed tires, and i get to go through the joy of moving into a new place again. and then i move again in january. fuck.
juries are right around the corner, i have a combo performance next week, final exams are stacking up, concert review is due next thurs, i still need to find a job, and oh yeah, fix my tires. there goes my money for food for the rest of this month. ugh.

i'm still so lucky to have some of the most amazing people in the program help me out.
oh and my friend, jamal the pipe.

i love music.

in the long run, it will be worth it.

"it's that liberating feeling of independance that makes me appreciate all the fine things in life. i can give myself to people 100% and yet still retain who i originally am. why would i want to change that to 50%."

waking life!

so, i finally watched this movie that liz was telling me about.
it's called waking life, and it's changed my perception on a lot of things.

it's based on lucid dreams, and how there is a theory that you are living in a constant state of dream, and that one day you just won't be able to wake from your dream...

it's just super intense.

on another note, 3 weeks of school left until finals and juries. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

okay i can't finish this blog.

the first step.

it's that feeling of being next to you
that makes the planets spin faster.

sweet nothings.

you make me feel brand new.

tunnel and sky collide.

today feels like a new day.

then the first bullet was shot.

i try not to let the feelings i have for you show on my face.
they always win.

i'm a sore loser.

i enjoy monty python and fudgee-o's.

hello hectic november...
it's the last month of classes before exams/juries and i'm feeling the pressure.

recap:
so about two nights ago i moved into my new place. it's a cozy little house on lambert st., and my room is actually fully furnished this time. the ceiling of my room is painted of blue skies and clouds, and the walls are a baby blue. i'm living with troy and jason for the moment, but i'm sure in january i'll move into colin's place.

last weekend i travelled down to vancouver to visit my parents and buy my car. it took us three days to find the right one, and i'm happy with our purchase. it's a '95 blue toyota camry that's been rebuilt from head to toe. we purchased it from a sweet man who spent many hours into fixing up the car. he installed a new engine, spoiler, took care of the leather interior, fixed up the brakes and timing belt, and added a few little decorative touches. it's pretty cool! i can't hear the motor at all when i drive it, and it's smooth.

seeing my mother was much needed. she always cheers me up, she's my sunshine. i can't wait to see her pretty face again in december.

okay, now deadlines. thursday is my "so what" solo, next thursday my term paper for music history is due, i have to practice the jury tunes with those in my combo, and then prepare for final exams which will be here sooner than ever. i mean, it's already november. time's flying by so fast. aside from that i have to find a job asap so i can afford everything.

god, this will be interesting.

gems.

I'll drown my beliefs.To have your babies.I'll dress like your niece.And wash your swollen feet.Just don't leave.Don't leave.I'm not living.I'm just killing time.Your tiny hands.Your crazy kitten smile.Just don't leave.Don't leave.And true love waits.In haunted attics.And true love lives.On lollipops and crisps.Just don't leave.Don't leave.Just don't leave.Don't leave.

so many hearts in great demand.

love, it's a lovely thought

you have to care for it to keep it together.

when the floor turns to ice.

i try to breathe, but my lungs are heavy
i try to get warm, but shivers are crawling up my spine
i try to eat, but my stomach would rather grumble
i want to drink, but water won't cut it.

earl, the lobster.

i wonder what it is.
a break in the surface
resonating back and forth
absorbing and expelling
the creatures within come to life
swaying like tree branches to this beat.

a creation of what makes us.

progressions.

i can't stop blogging.

correction.

i can't stop fidgeting. i've been banging away on the piano since this morning. my heart is pounding like a jackhammer.
i can feel this, and i know it's all gonna work.
one gift i owe the lord for is the feeling of passion.

can't shake these vibes.

it's inescapable
unbreakable
tangible
and so, so fragile

it's dropped a billion times, yet it's still intact...
somehow.

calandar girl.

if i am lost for a day, try to find me
but if i don't come back then i won't look behind me
all of those things that i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day

december is darkest, in june there's the light
but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
i ran to the landing, a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night

calandar girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive
calandar girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive

i dreamed i was dying as i so often do
but when i awoke i was sure it was true
i ran to the window, through my head to the sky
and said whoever is up there, please don't let me die

but i can't live forever, i can't always be
one day i'll descend on a beach by the sea
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross
and i'll laugh about all that we've lost

calandar girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive
calandar girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive

january, february, march and then may, i'm alive
june, july, august, september, october, i'm alive
november, december, yah all through the winter, i'm alive

i'm alive.

(self-aware).

With age comes wisdom, and wisdom allows the evolution of man.

I've been in Cranbrook for four months now, and my time here is almost done. I leave back for Nanaimo this Sunday, and although I'll be sad to leave my good friends and family behind, I'll take the best memories and life-lessons back with me.

I've been unbelievably blessed in my life. I wish I had known this at an earlier age, but too often as teenagers we become so immersed in the smallest things, and stress about things that, now, seem so miniscule.

Everyone has their heart-breaking stories. Everyone has their good qualities, and their flaws. This summer has shown me just how selfish I have been, and how I'm trying SO hard to shut that little voice up inside... a little voice called ego.

Overcoming it is so hard, and so broad, that i've realized a quick victory is impossible, but can be obtained with patience. In reality, no one is flawless. By viewing everyone as equal - neither higher than them, and no lower than me, i've realized so much beauty in each and every individual. This view point has helped me meet some of the most amazing people. Everyday I receive so many gifts that I can no longer classify them as large or small.... they're instead, precious.

I love all my friends, and my family, so much. I love everyone who has been there for me in the past, and I'll love those that await me in my future. I love them as much as I love music... it changes in many different ways, but all music is beautiful. Regardless of what circumstance.

bright pink.

tomorrow calls for an escape from cranbrook...
ashers and i are taking our lavish lives (well, we like to think they are) to calgary for a few days.
and it's everything a couple of girlies could need...
shopping, drinking and partying.

thrills!

oh, you'll know.

we want to love everyone in the world

i'll make coffee, you'll read the paper.

talk about one crazy, crazy week.

since monday i've been on the go with vocal practice, little nick-nacks, friend visiting, and of course, hanging out with tiana. it's been nuts.

i had received a call from pat regarding my audition tape, and that's when i knew i had to stop being so lazy musically! so since monday i've been practicing my two chosen jazz songs (black coffee and lulluby in birdland by thee ella f...) as well as my major/minor scales and modes... yay. i have my full voice back :D today i have to practice with tim, and hopefully do the recording tomorrow and send it out asap. i'm not too worried.

the dreaded day had finally come and gone... tiana and her family have left for edmonton. i'm really happy for her. i feel super priviledged to have seen her almost everyday before she took off. but it was overly emotional for the both of us (we've been there for one another the moment we became friends) but it will be okay. i'm just so lucky to have come in contact with such an angel. we'll do our best to see one another, and we'll definently be sending e-mails constantly. i just know she's going to become one heck of a dancer, and probably even land a spot in "so you think you can dance". :D

now i have to go clean up some things, and then practice some more. tonight i'm super excited for. another rendezvous with ashley and the gang. can't waiiiit.

xo

who would ask for such a thing.

it's that lingering sadness that really pulls me down.

i need this.

i keep kicking myself away -
a dire attempt to break the surface
i really don't want to drown within you.

round and round.

.love comes in many forms
and i want to experience all the different kinds that are out there.
you can never have too much love.

major division.

i keep splitting myself apart.
if this is how it really feels,
i don't know if i'll want to take the risk

again.

other halves.

<33333333333.

on the move.

july is coming to a close, and august is already coming into view... so, so fast.
it's going to be a good month, and a sad one, because tiana is leaving early for edmonton to attend ballet school. i'm really excited for her though, because she's going to grow so much. she's going to fly sky high (as if she isn't flying high already).

on thursday i'm heading out with tiana's family for edmonton. i guess they're just finishing up the deal for their new house, and tiana and i will get to spend some quality girl time. we're going to take a trip to the west edmonton mall (i haven't been there in aaages) and shop a bit. i need a new bikini, and i'm sure they'll have some awesome ones waiting for me.

as for the nanaimo situation, i feel a lot better now that i've got some roommates! sarah-jane said she'd love to take me in. it's on harewood, just a few streets down from where i lived last year, on pine street. it's a pretty good neighbourhood. it's about a ten minute walk to uni, and a five minute walk to paul, dustin and suzy's place! it's going to be a greaaat year. the price is awesome too. i got majorly ripped off by my last tenant, but this is really nice.

my transportation to nanaimo also worked out wonderfully. nick is moving to victoria on the first of september, so his family offered to take me along. plus all my stuff is already at elizabeth's, so i only need to take my clothes and music supplies. woo woo

this month is going to go by super fast. can't afford to hold my breath!
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't excited.

x

horrible taste.

i put the blame on everything
when really i should just blame myself
because everything is just a product
of what i had feared.

i don't want this good feeling.

i'll mash it up
paint it black and blue
tear it up
burn it
and then toss it into a corner.

it's still there.

i'll watch from the sidelines.

it's when i fell into you.

some times i feel the fade in... and then the fade out.
captured within the suns rays and the sparks of cold water
the buzzing madness of those who attempt to contain the meteoric abundance of life
the only amount you can carry is nothing more than two hand fulls.

i need a tow truck.

this isn't courage.

i'm slowly dragging myself through all this
and i just want to stop.

feather fingers.

when you don't care, it's easy to lose track

of everything.

and so she said.

it's losing its beauty.

it's all styrofoam.

and now it seems like even this has lost its taste.

staring at the wall.

i've once again returned to my sanctuary
no one can hurt me here, or tell me what to do
deliberate whether i'm right or wrong
weak or strong
i'd rather be there than return to this town of make-believe
where everyone is under someone else's feet
you're constantly searching for all your flaws
covering them up from all their, "ha ha's"
and now you're accepted
so congratulations for being who you aren't
and living something that continues to tear you apart.

it was full a minute ago.

...within one second it became empty.

where did it go.

go ahead and take it
it's there for the taking
give, give, giving
it's a wonderful feeling
but no can can hear me
can't hear the sound of me breathing
i'm a pillar for you to lean on
a pillar for you to lean on
beneath the surface i'm breaking
cracking and shaking.

who am i

the reflection in the mirror
curtains flowing through and through
an open green pasture
one singular tree
i am attached
the world is spinning so fast
that nothing no longer makes sense.

called your bluff.

everything in my life is rush, rush, rush! with all honesty, i love it.
to summarize everything in the last week...
my cousins came over, stayed for 7 days, then left.
got hooked up with a very independent job.
sorted out all the odds and ends.
connections.
good-byes and hello's.

i've broken away from the internet and it's a good feeling. it's a time sucker, and i don't have any time to waste.

let bygones be bygones.

sorry, your ticket has expired.

why is it so far from being over.

all our rust.

i still can't believe that this wall is real.

can you see it.

the see-saw effect: for a certain period of time everything is perfect, but then eventually it all crumbles and i'm back to square one...

like a see-saw this entire month has shifted under my feet. i go through the emotional patterns, starting with anger, to sadness, to neutrality and then finally to acceptance.

it's a ride i'm happy to have conquered... again. sometime or another it will repeat itself. the ugly side of life shows its face, and it won't leave until i'm battered and bruised.

and then i'm left in despair. despair is the WORST part of life! that little voice inside of you that says you're alone. eventually i'll give into that voice, accept what isn't true. with loneliness follows insecurity. a feeling of self-loathing.
it eats at me while i'm alive and breathing. i'm carrying out the normal functions of a human-being, but i don't feel anything at all.

broken down, over and over and over again.

it doesn't last forever. for what had seemed like an eternity finally comes to the victorious conclusion. all of my self-realization flies through the window and hits me square in the head.

"how stupid of me" are the words that shout out from the hidden corners in my mind.

all that despair disappears far, far away. i've pushed it out. all that matters is now, and i'm here in the now. i'm fully awake.

i'm not angry or confused. i'm done questioning the "what if's".
i'm actually really happy, and excited for everything! no matter how horrible it could be...

i'll take it all. the good, the bad, and the ugly.
nothing is perfect, so don't imagine it to be.

you can make any situation in life full of happiness if you truly desire it..

xo

too.much.baggage.

i'm angry.

not just a little bit angry, i'm livid.
to start things off, i'm unbelievably mad at myself. for everything. for what i have put myself through. for all my 'patience'. for everything i've done, and the things that i haven't.
i'm beyond tired, and i'm carrying way too much baggage.
i'm annoyed, and i'm sick of complaining. but i do, because there is no other way of venting. but i only vent to myself because no one is willing to listen.
if there was somewhere that i could go, and never see anyone again, i'd go there in a heartbeat.
i just don't care anymore. i've had enough.

i'm ready to say good bye.

i don't see it.

living with a blanket over my head.

godddddddddddddddddd.

yeah, umm ok.
i've lost like 10 lbs, and they still think i'm still fat.
fuck. my. life.
maybe i should just starve myself again. no one likes a fat girl

it's 1965.

today was my first shift at the guilded goat. it went really well!
I'm just grateful for finally receiving a job. the recession is taking a toll on everyone, and it's making me really worried about tuition. i'll probably have to work during school, which isn't a problem... but finding a job is.
anyways, today is good, and i think i'm going to practice music and then go for a walk.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow because my cousin Paul is coming to town, and we're going to have fun! tiana is joining us, which is going to be hilarious.

i feel a lot better.

xo

cast me.

pulled from this body to the magic
i wander over and examine its grace
circle, zig zag, pause.
eyes droop with such charm
and the sound turns into a knot, unrecognizable from before
i'm living in a buffet

interruption
i'm still here.

it's in the sparkle.

I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.

I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.

- s.t.

you giggle in your sleep.

gosh...
i love grass
and sand
birds, bees, butterflies
smiles and see-saws
piggy-backs, baby kittens
1-2-3-4-5... too much
cuddles and tickles
too, too much.

tuxedo cat.

saturday happenings:
i was hoping for a bout of sunshine; unfortunately the clouds have taken over, so the shorts will have to wait.
i received a phone call from mark today. he is back for today from calgary, and i'm excited to see the kid! video games and drinking is in order, heehee.
then i get to see tiana. don't know exactly what we're going to do, but we'll figure something out.
might turn out to be like the adventures of jackie and i... which would be amazing.
yay for days of "laze".

also, I landed a job. finally.

x

sweet sweet serenity.

nothing is here.
hovering past this landscape
the sound of your breath and the whirring
of air passing us by
floating upwards and downwards
green, blue, gray
and the gold that has been cast to the floor
sweet serenity -
only you and me
nothing is here.

better things.

i finally get it.

i haven't really changed much since i was a kid. i've always had an open ear for anyone, even if it's a complete stranger talking to me. always trying to soak up as much information like a sponge.
it's still the same. i never realized this before, but when i do talk to someone, anyone, i always put myself in a position where i'm lower than that person unknowingly.
my mom taught us important values while growing up. one being ego, how too much of it can ruin a life. i've made it a goal for myself to rid ego from my life.
if i make a major accomplishment, i can never be proud of myself. i always owe it to the higher power that's there. i don't think that anything is mine, really. even wisdom is something that isn't my own.
anyways, back on topic, because i put myself in a lower position, i have ended up meeting amazing people. i've been able to get through to so many people. it's shocking. even some people who are thousands of miles away, who i've never met before, i've been gifted in changing their lives... and i don't owe it to myself, as mentioned before.
it's just unusual. it's like, i meet people, help them, and then move on. i never really have a set group of friends, i'm almost like a drifter.
it's super cool though. my life is a lot less boring than it used to be. everyday is full of surprises, and i'm never ready for them, lol.

anyways, i'm off.

x

push yourself away from your one best friend.

i'm touched. never seen your face before, yet i feel as though i've known you forever.
i've learned a lesson or two.
i don't get why it's so rare.

the reeling.

i love life.

join the revolution.

kimberley we are change truth movement up now:

www.wearechangekimberley.ning.com

sketch? omg so sketch.

friday night was a blast.
hung out with jackie, went for a walk with grape gin slurpies... made it to misty's, met up with jaymes, danced to the best dj ever... saw two fights in one night... not so cool, and then walked and talked on the way home with our new good friend roberto.
i had a lot of fun.

today i had my first street action! i met up with brad, and we set up our banner and supplies where marysville days was held. the turnout wasn't so good... had 3 people who wanted to hear what we were about. we sent them off with a ton of information.

and then the rain came.

we were there from 10-130. had a lot of interesting conversations, and sparked some new ideas for future street actions. i'm grateful for this.

now my legs hurt a ton (because of all the walking last night, and then standing around for 3 hours) and my brother's friends are over for his birthday celebration.

i'm off to do the dishes.
xo

bit by bit.

how can one person make another feel so small and unworthy.

it is so difficult for me to even be myself. i am myself though, all the time. fact is, i'm too nice and caring, and it's these traits that make me get walked on, all the time.

when i do get my head on right, and i defend myself, people then suddenly don't want to be near me. they view me as a threat. i guess nowadays sticking up for yourself is the "no-no" in such a selfish society.

we've forgotten how to bond with one another. we're all individualistic. we all worry about ourselves. when we fall down, we go to someone to help us back up. and then when the pain passes, that person that helped you is forgotten, until you need it again.

it's all about self-gratification. we party to hide our real selves, we drink to forget our problems, we stick with fake friends because we think we can't get any better, we have one night stands because real love has been forgotten. we pass our problems on to other people instead of fixing what's there.

people think i'm crazy. that i should go to a councellor. i'm not though. i'm a big enough woman to try and DEAL with my problems. i've made my mistakes though. i've tried getting help from others to help me. people don't want to hear the brutal reality of someone's life. we always want to pretend it's not there. maybe this is why our society has so many issues, and why the media is there to console us. fuck.

i'm not crazy. and i'm not stupid. i speak the facts. people hate it.
if you can't deal with me, then don't talk to me. but in the end, if you have a problem, i'll help you with it. because i don't want to fall prey to the curtain. and if you can get back up and do the same for someone else, then we can finally offer hope for the well-being of society.

write what you know.

who ever knew.

past that perfect smile
and perfect posture
past your confident walk
and simple gestures
you're just as broken and frail as anyone else
and still seeking complicated answers

cousinly love.

high fives to me homie Paul D
because he's the shit.

picture this.

what a strange dream
everything that i want, compiled together
all seem to be working together
but some things are unbalanced
and others unsure
all i can say is
i'm ready for anything
the picture may not be perfect
but it's a work of art in the making

a little this, a little that.

current state of mind + gratitude list + inspiration =
optimism.

ANS - not being able to frolick in the sunshine =
optimism waiting to be applied.

a fine line.

real silence lies outside the front door
wrapped within the sun's rays and humid air
the scent of new blossoms and freshly cut grass
at peace with everything and everyone
the pulse begins to slow down
walk in the direction of the sun, the shadows follow you
walk away, and you're suddenly following the shadows
it's neither ugly nor pretty,
sweet or sour
captured within the eye of the beholder
in this collective, simplistic harmony
that we are all attuned to.

day 4.

wooo.
starting to look more normal (and less chipmunk)
hopefully i'll be able to go out in the next couple days.

day 3.

omg, i look like a chipmunk.
so, for the last 3 days i have been living off of pudding, freezies, cold soups, tons of water, T3's and penicillin (that makes me super sick).
great life.
i've probably lost about 5 lbs (i'm not complaining about this part at all), but i look like a mess. it's hard to sleep, when fluids are constantly moving about your face (so sick), and a sharp pain stabs you every 15 seconds. gosh.
i'm not a happy camper, that's for sure. but it's totally brought out more of my creative side.
i learned to play keane's bedshaped on the piano. just about perfected the entire song, then, when my face finally heals up, i'll sing on top of it, and record it.
yay me.
it's such a beautiful day out. i would love to have been on the beach right now, but that won't happen.

i just want to be normal again. and do normal things. and eat normal food, haha.
oh welllllllllllllllllllllll.

xbox game time. looooooooooool

never again!

okay. so, because i usually get into unusual situations, let's just say that my wisdom teeth extraction was terrifying.

everything was going well. he was cracking my left bottom tooth, when suddenly a huge stream of blood squirts out of my mouth and everyone starts panicking. the doctor is literally yelling at the assistant for gauze, and she took about 15 seconds to grab it, meanwhile this huge stream just keeps going.
i cried.
turns out the root was right above the jaw artery.
the feeling of warm blood filling up your entire mouth is the strangest feeling ever. he later said that if he did try to remove the root i would need a blood transfusion. fml.
the procedure was intended to be about 30 min. i was in there for an hour and a half.
now i'm in a tremendous amount of pain (waiting for the T3 to kick in) and scared to death that my artery will act up again.

ugh. never again. thank god i only had two.

the world is wrapped around my finger (who knew).

i feel like i've made it to the end of the rainbow
and instead of gold and rubies
i've found open hearts and enchanting smiles
and this feeling
i've felt it before
but this time
it's entirely brand new.

all i had to do was...

j
u
m
p

x

poetry is in the air.

tomorrow = wisdom teeth removal = i am a wimp.

also.

things are looking up.

aaand...

i'm going to go eat a mango.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

woo!

Gosh, I feel great!
Woke up about 25 min ago, and soon I'll head out for a bike ride.
Lots to do today! There are some new pieces I need to practice on the piano, some vocal practice, theory review, job hunting, dentist appointment (wisdom teeth soon to be removed... blargh), coffee date, make dinner, go for a run, hang with the fam... and anything else that happens to swing my way.
All-in-all, I guess I feel, well, more balanced! This meditation thing is working its charm.
Who cares about the past. What matters is everything in the now.

Well, I best get ready and hit the hills.

x

sun in the sky, you know what i mean.

woke up to a great day.
i took the bike out around 9 and went up the highway to kimberley. it was so refreshing. the sun was out, the temperature was perfect, and it was pretty quiet. did about fourty minutes worth, and then on the way back, i realized the battery cover for my phone had fallen off. great.
it's not that big of a deal... i can get the replacement part from ebay for about a dollar... whatever.
i then went home, made some tea and hung out with my mom.
there was this game my bro bought that i really wanted to play, so i did. it's called fallout 3... it's about how the human race blew itself up and a few people lived in underground vaults. it's set in the year 2077. played about an hour of that, then went for a nap.
turns out my hour nap went for two hours. i was woken up by my brothers coming home from work/school, so i bummed around with them.
i'll probably go practice my music in a bit, and then phone up some friends. nothing too eventful to report.

tomorrow calls for warm weather, another bike ride, a coffee date, job hunting and anything else to keep myself occupied.

love, always.

dreary monday.

alright.
i woke up at 6. had some greens, did my laundry, texted katie, practiced music...
was planning on a bike ride. but guess what... it's going to rain. go figure.
so now i just feel reaaally gross. I think i've gained some weight back (to put it bluntly, yeah, i feel super fat)... that birthday week sure added up... ugh.
so now i'm back to my no-sugar routine. works like a charm... if only the weather would co-operate with me i'd be happy.
i'm thinking of heading into town to see katie bear. don't know what we'll end up doing. the idea of a run (once again) fell through, so i think we're just going to kick back and relax...
might be able to swing by and see tiana for a couple hours.

things to do tonight:
organize things
practice things
watch a movie with mom
hang with the brothers.

oh, also, i'm happy to mention i've decided to stop smoking (i am not a chain smoker... i hardly smoke... but in the last two weeks, the number of smokes i've had boggles the mind)...

one more thing: i highly recommend watching the movie, The Secret... amazing.

heres to shitty weather.

there is a sparrow living outside of our shed.

Saturday (how surprisingly uneventful):
woke up to a friend's phone call
had a traditional east-indian breakfast
played with my little brother (but he's so tall now, how can I call him little anymore :( )
learned to play Tonight by Stars on the piano
sat in my room, a little sad (i'm going backwards in life right now)
barely held a conversation with my father
phone chat with tiana (always makes my heart bubble)
recorded myself playing Tonight
online conversations, movie downloads (the secret), meditation charts
earl gray tea :D
blogging...

tomorrow = the following... :
bike ride with the birds
conversation with my mother (how i adore her)
meditation (i feel spiritually deprived lately)
hang out with tiana ( <3 )
bro-time
and anything else that makes others, and myself, happy.
oh i know... i should start drawing again (best representation of anything that does or does not matter)
time with God (always.)

reflections:
i never want to grow up.
energy is such a powerful thing.
love and be loved (and isn't that just the key to solve everything)
i want to sit in the sun... and do nothing at all.
being sad sucks.

gives me wings.

you are my sunshiiine
my only sunshiiine

you know who you are, lovely !

juggling act.

what i've encountered since coming back home.
people who try to act like they're better than you
people who still treat you like a kid
people who still say shit behind you're back when you're not watching
people who are afraid to grow up
people who can chat your ears away with their problems. not a big deal, you're helpful so you help them. but when it's your turn they are no where to be found
people who still LIE

i could go on. let's face the hard facts.
i am who i am. people who do compare themselves to you obviously still haven't learned to just be themselves (come on, everyone else is already taken. be original)
purging some people out of my life has just made things so much lighter.
thank god.

don't move.

pieces of me are scattered everywhere
wish i could put myself back together but i'm lost
where to even begin.

bullshit.

life lessons for this week:

- immaturity can manifest itself into someone in many ways. trick of the trade is to just not go along with it.
- control is all part of insecurity. take away the control, and you're free.
- some boys think that they can have it all. funny, because you're the last thing I'd want.

i'm glad i've opened my eyes and realized all i have to offer. i have nothing to worry about.

ha.

missing logic.

when the fuck did vengeance ever sustain a friendship?
and how can you love someone when you constantly live in denial?

get over yourself.

we're all one.

it's time to realize that we're all part of one big plan
every action creates a chain-reaction
i am you and you are me
channeling energy into every aspect of life
connecting to everyone in a different way
and pushing you on the path you're on
nothing happens by coincidence
if energy is neither created nor destroyed...
where exactly do we go?
we're all fragments of God
colliding and repelling infinitely...
where time never did and never will exist.

beautiful.

seize the day.

random quote of the day:

"If you know the truth, for the betterment of humanity, and for the prosperity of all man-kind, you have an obligation to share it."
-- unknown.

I attended my first Kootenay Truth meeting last night, and I met only 3 of the participants..
yep. only three.
I was blown away. The group has been meeting for about 3 years now, and only three people have stuck with it.
I met up with Barb's brother Brad, and two other members Theo and Jason. They are quite the friendly, yet very serious, kind of people.
We got down to business. I learned about how the group came about, and their many fascinating stories regarding past protests. We also discussed the more major topics like Bill C-6/Codex, depleted uranium, natural health, and fluoride.
We're all compiling facts together and preparing them to be presented to the public at our next gathering. I'm hoping to set one up here in Marysville for the Marysville Daze event that is scheduled to be in the first week of June.
They sent me off with a bunch of readings and dvd's, so I have a lot to learn before my first event... i'm a bit nervous, but really excited.

After the meeting I headed out with some girls and went to the bar. I don't think I'll ever go there again. Some things just never change...
thankfully I had another epiphany. And I've learned new bits of wisdom.

that is all, folks.

things i hate.

DENIAL.

what you make so obvious.

this part of you is something i'm not used to
but i won't close my eyes, they're on to you

remember the cause.

i don't want to share you
please don't say goodnight

leave me with the birds.

it is so perfect and pure
entrancing me in this feeling so utterly divine
leading me into something completely unknown
walking weightlessly with this pulse of life
lifting me higher and higher

come down they say
come down
the static buzzing within my ears
thoughts are murmuring within my mind
"but, why?"
it's much too beautiful up here
i'm much too happy up here
the sun is rising, gently reminding me this:

i am free.

smorgasboard.

new loves:
skateboarding (WTF... i know)
spinach and strawberry smoooothies
kool-aid and vodka (haha)
global deejays
fresh faces and refreshing smiles
childhood.

oh and i dropped five.
no.big.d.

life is good.

by the way, i could use some hollywood in my life right about now (...hint hint-uh!)

bruises heal, your words won't

time is coming to a complete standstill
i'm not going forwards, or backwards
my vision has been shrouded
my lips have been sealed
fear is paralyzing every part of my heart and soul
and all i can do now is have faith
that one day,
everything will work out
and that everything will be okay

when will time start for me again

daily greens

thursday thursday
which means tomorrow will be friday... which means i'll have some fun.

today i got up and did the usual thing. had breakfast, got dressed, researched some more music stuff/things, and then went out to job hunt.
goood news. there's one place that might hire me... but i'm not going to say where... i don't want to jinx it (i'm not superstitious, but you never know). my fingers are crossed.

i then went home to just chill. i had a pear, and added up all the debt i have (cell phone bills, laptop, midi interface, etc...) which was like a punch in the gut.
my little bro then came home, and he and i tried to assemble our new blender (sounds silly... I know... ). we had problems because the dispenser thingy was not built properly. we gave up; however, we could still blend things which was awesome.
i made a delicious spinach and strawberry smoothie, and i'm good to go. i'm so happy i've been eating properly since i've come back. i don't think i could ever go back to eating junk food... that's in the past...

i think the days for me are becoming even worse. this place is a dead-end. the more i'm outside or away from home the happier i am. i don't even know who to blame really.
i just can't deal with this for much longer.

i am fueled

i am searching for that place
that place where boundaries do not exist
it's the place where passion fuels hearts
and it is these hearts that set out to set other hearts ablaze
making each and every moment
for each and every person
memorable.

together, you and i, juxtaposed
you have what i have, and i have what you have
every man, woman, and child
so don't hide it
but share it.

let your colours bleed through
i can feel my soul on fire
and i know it's burning through you

don't hold back

follow your heart.

lub-dub

hopscotch

whatever happened to the old childhood favorites...
such as:
- pogs!
- the cartoon show Doug
- POKEMON (yeah, whatever judge me)
- Dragonball Z (just watched Gohan defeat Cell... uhh-mazing)
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- playing tag (now it's all about little girls being barbies and guys playing video games...)
and many more.

it's sad! I miss those days.

tune in to that frequency

it's a good day becaaause...
i finally got my midi keyboard working
more resumes are ready to go, and i'd better wow people with it
basement is almost set up, yah yah!
eating better, eating healthier
maybe a date with tiana tonight (God I love her)
going to go for a run
much more alone time

and most importantly, i've learned to not over-think things
makes life mucho easier

on a sidenote: my iPod headphone jack seems to have stopped working correctly. how lame.

hours to days, days to months

okay. time to get real (like I haven't been real enough lately)
i'm getting rid of my facebook. it's such a waste of time, and people can just reach me via e-mail or phone if they really need to.
i'm finally being responsible with my life. many hours have been poured into studying music, and it's going to be like this until i'm satisfied with what i can do (haha. i'll never be satisfied. i'm too picky)
i've let go of tons of people, and it's really sad right now. but it'll pass. i really need to go outside and enjoy things. i've been stuck in the house for the last few days just because i've been so depressed. but life has to go on.
as much as i love my friends, i don't think i'll be seeing many this summer. i'm not happy with myself at all. and i don't think it's right to be such a downer around them, spreading around sadness.
things with my father won't ever improve, so i've just accepted it. it really, really hurts. however, if he can't accept me, then that is just how things go i suppose. this is def. the most painful thing in my life.
hopefully by the time the summer is over, i'll be much more happier. more patient. more understanding. and less naive.
i am really, really trying.
pray for me.

soul food

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

-- unknown.

i'm channelling the universe inside of me

These last three days have been so intense. Wow.

Last night was pretty nuts. I got a phone call from Connor and I haven't talked to the guy in two months. Just as things are messed up on my end, things for him aren't too different. He and I have been best friends for 6 months, so when we stopped talking it was really hard.
We talked for about an hour, and it helped clear up so many things. It sucks when your entire support network live miles and miles away. I hope things improve for him as well.
One thing is for certain: I can't wait to get out of here. It's nothing but a dead-end for me. I have some good friends here too, but of course they too are leaving soon.
If there is anything i've learned in two weeks, it is responsibility.
I'll admit. My year in Nanaimo was a blast. I met amazing people, had only three course that consisted of music, drank more than I should have, done things I probably shouldn't have... but it was great. I learned so much about myself, and others. It even got to the point where I completely forgot about my well-being and poured all my energy into helping others.
That sort of thing just tires you out.

When I returned home, I got slapped in the face by reality. I realized how unbalanced I was, and how many things I needed to purge out of my life.
It wasn't easy. I think I'm a bigger mess than before.
But, like so many friends have said, you can't learn without going through the tough stuff first. Even if it means risking everything you have.
Now that everything makes sense, I can finally sort out the bigger things. I've been pretty down, but I know eventually I'll look back at all this and it will have been nothing.
I talked to Paul today, too. We talked about how amazing September will be, and I'm sooo excited! I'll be in the vocal/flute program, playing some gigs downtown, hanging out with the people who have made such an impact on me, and most importantly, loving every bit of it.
The key is to survive the summer. I've been reviewing all my theory and practicing on the keyboard for at least 2 hours everyday. Haven't been able to get in any vocal practice (because there is no where to do that in this house... ), but when the basement clears up it will fall into place.

I'm excited about life.

p.s. i'm obsessed with the new depeche mode album. I relate to it in so many ways. I love it.

policy of truth

who knew i'd make the biggest mistake of my life.
i regret it, even though you shouldn't live life with any regrets.
i'm so stupid.
i want it all to just go away and forget everything that ever happened.
i'll never understand, and instead live with this for the rest of my life.
big, big mistake. and of course, it turned out one sided, just exactly what i had feared.
i didn't even get to fully explain anything (how can you when there isn't even a certain level of understanding)
i know i wasn't wrong. how could i have been so stupid?
i think i'm ready to go back to nanaimo and never come back

i'm not even making any fucking sense

sleepyhead

another day of clouds... really?
when was the last time we had some sunshine? i can't even remember...
i woke up about an hour ago. i haven't been feeling too well lately, mostly just aches and pains, but i'm sure a walk will change that. there is so much to do today.
organization around the home is going somewhat well... i've become really good at forgetting where things are. at least once a day i have to go on an easter egg hunt for something i need - it takes at least a good fifteen minutes until i find what i'm looking for. what a waste of time.
i'm thinking of heading into town with my mom and just doing something. i've been home for a good little while, and it's taking a toll on my sanity. i don't really need to get anything, but i'd really like to be out and about with my mom.
i'm thinking of calling some people in nannerz tonight. i miss them so darn much! paul just headed out for london, so that's sad. and i'm guessing ebony is lonely as heck without doug or paul. so i should give her a shout.
some happy news: connor sent me an e-mail saying he wants to call me sometime soon and talk. the last time i talked to him was about 2 months ago. i'm betting it's going to be one long conversation... so much has happened between now and then.
tomorrow it will be may 1st... holy woooow. where does the time go? raj's birthday is on the fourth, so i'm thinking of making something creative for him. i have some cool cake ideas, and i'll probably just make him a gift. 22 years old and still the same as ever... haha i hope he never changes.
time to go do something productive... i'm thinking a shower and then some music practice for a start.

oooh one more thing. i looked into my chakra reading last night... turns out i'm strongest in the crown and throat chakra's... makes sense. i'm really getting into meditation.
ah.. i'm turning into such a hippie.. but truthfully i love it.

hand me those vitamins

i'm becoming so unhealthy
physically we need our nutrients to fight sickness,
and to be in high gear
--------------------------------
emotionally famished
it's something that can't be solved with a pill
a small dose could help
hopefully soon it will come my way
unless...
i lose it forever
and continue to be ill
--------------------------------
after all that i've been giving,
when will i receive (even a little) in return.

as the sun sets, our shadows grow longer

everyone is invincible, but it's all pretend

when it comes down to matters of the heart, there will be times when you risk everything to move on... and this is where i'm at.
i had a good talk with naomi last night, and just like everyone else, she said the same thing.
i could just be magnifying it too much, but it seems like i go through the most complicated situations compared to everyone else. it's so frustrating.
when most people my age are stressing about what to wear for their date, i fight with internal battles and strange conflicts. i grew up way too fast, and because of it i forgot how to have fun.
i didn't get any sleep last night. i focused on what aspects of my life i need to put behind me, or get closure of.
as mentioned in my previous post, i'm still in the process of losing some very important people.
just the very thought of what i have to do scares the life out of me.
but i have to do it, for myself. i've focused on other people's problems for far too long instead of fixing my own.
it's going to be one long summer.

heavy on the eyes

ah, i want this to subside
feels like i'm dying
this is so hard
life can be unfair

i really hope i'm thinking this through properly
i'm tired of crying

has the race gone underwater

music is the best thing ever. it's such an escape from reality.
a list of artists that i'm currently listening to:
- andrew bird
- mute math
- jem
- meiko
- hey ocean!
- william fitzsimmons
- junior boys
- cadence
- depeche mode
- melody gardot
and many more. paul is trying to break me into more heavy stuff... genghis tron is pretty coool haha.
yay, I can't wait for our phone conversation tomorrow. two weeks have felt like an eternity.

wonder if you're even there

sentence that describes my life as of late: "you win some, you lose some."

Although I've gone through milestones in my life, although things have improved with me, although I've become honest to everyone, although our family has re-connected, although I love all my friends, I've lost so many good people, and am in the process of losing.
Of course, this is just the way things are. It's the natural course of life. You shed those in order to make room for individuals who relate to your life in a certain way.
I won't lie. I miss them dearly; however, I can't do anything about it.
I can't stop thinking that how can it all just be me? One instance, for example, I know for certain that our situation was based on BOTH sides. As much as I want closure, I'll never get it. And I don't know why I'd even want it when nothing will ever come out of it.
But my HEART is breaking. It's the TRUTH to myself.
WHY did I ever get myself in this kind of mess? What do I even do?
Was it all my fault? Was it right for me to have made the decisions that I did?
It's futile to ask these questions. I'll never get an answer. It's best that I forget.

I can't.

Because it's where my heart had belonged from the start, and still belongs to this day.
And I truly hope that whatever caused us to come together helped on the other side. Even if it was only for a certain point in time. I hope all is well.
I hope you're happy.
But I can't deny this to myself, because it is the truth.
My life is still such a mess, and the only one who sees it is me.

It's better to have loved, then to have never loved at all.

On another topic, lyrics I'm digging:

How, how are we off on a tangent again?
Oh we say what we say
And the poison is breaking our skin
Blame, what's to blame?
It's an argument no one can win
Cause at best we don't know
And it's wearing us thin

And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
Just a glare has become
All that we'll ever see there
And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
All of nothing's become
All that we'll ever see there

Cards, we are cards
In a wheel spun around on the truth
Maybe we don't need to know
Any more than we have to

And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
Just a glare has become
All that we'll ever see there
And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
All of nothing's become
All that we'll ever see there

The sky is always wondering
What are these arguments about?
You'd think we would notice
Our eyes are burning up
We should have learned by now

And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
Just a glare has become
All that we'll ever see there
And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
All of nothing's become
All that we'll ever see there

It's all that we'll ever see there

And we stare at the sun

-- Stare at the Sun, Mute Math

red pill or blue pill

question your reality:
http://people.tribe.net/truthmovement

"Fear not the path of truth,
for the lack of people walking on it."
-- Robert F. Kennedy

simple

life is about taking risks
with risk comes faith
and faith is what gives us

hope.

one of many attempts for change

I'm sooo shocked that many people have no idea what CODEX ALIMENTARIUS is, and the lack of interest frightens me. If you care about the future of what you eat, and what is served to you at the dinner table, please take a moment FOR YOURSELF to read this and understand what's going on. If you choose to be ignorant, then don't cry in the future when you see billions of people die around you from malnutrition.

CODEX ALIMENTARIUS is a set of guidelines that concerns food, food safety and food production. It proposes that it intends to protect the health of consumers;, however, this is far from the truth.

If Codex Alimentarius is passed, any kind of natural health product (vitamins, supplements, minerals) will be considered to be DRUGS and will be ILLEGAL to sell to consumers. It proposes that no herb, vitamin or mineral can be sold for any kind of therapeutic use, and if anyone is caught selling any of the restricted items, they will be subject to HUGE fines, and even imprisonment.

If you think that is crazy, listen to this: Because these vitamins and minerals will be seen as illegal, they will also be stripped from all foods, genetically manipulating them to be insufficient in nutrients. They will take out all life sustaining nutrients for the codex says it is for your SAFETY. Don't you think this is going too far?

Meats, too, will only be sold in countries once they have been pumped with anti-biotics and growth hormones. Organic foods will cease to exist. Farmers will go bankrupt. I can go on and on.

The implication of the Codex will result in the deaths of BILLIONS from malnutrition, and simple sicknesses. Without life sustaining nutrients, the immune system cannot function, and will leave people susceptible to life threatening illness.

If you don't believe me, research it yourself:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codex_Alimentarius
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmrF9KjlGsc

To those of you who DO understand all the risks associated with the codex, please try and inform others. Change can only come if people fight for what's right. Don't be asleep!

That is all.

float like dandelions

I am wondering where the sunshine is today... nothing but clouds here in Marysville. Hopefully later a little sunshine will shine through.
Ah, things are going well. I've won the battle with the flu, my health is at optimum levels, relationships are very stable, and I'm liking who I am.
It's a bit difficult, of course, to be optimistic everyday. However, I am trying as hard as possible, and things are getting better (or so I hope they are).
I spent a great deal of time with my little brother last night, and I'm still amazed at how much he's grown in four months. We reminisced about school, friends, random things, and then played some video games (typical guy stuff ha ha). It was reaaally nice.
My mom and are doing well too. Much more understanding and acceptance. Now that I think about it, I was so stupid for everything that happened in the past... you totally are blind and stupid when you're a teen. Reason didn't seem to exist in those years.
I got some exciiiting news last night. Barb and I have been keeping in contact since September about world events and important information related to the future of everyone on the planet. Turns out her brother is doing some activist work here in Cranbrook, and I can get involved with it. I've really wanted to help wake people up, and this is the perfect opportunity. I'll have to give him a call asap. I'm really excited!
things to do today:
tax returns.
cleaning of sorts.
go for a run (if it doesn't rain on me).
music practice.

down by the sea

what i miss right now:

humidity that makes your hair soft
the sound of the ocean
forests that resemble the shire
walks along the waterfront
peace & quiet.

i think a run through the forest is greatly needed

after afterall

i'm trying really hard
to stop judging people
to come to an understanding
to accept that everything happens for a reason
to live everyday like it was my last
to fuel hearts with gentle compassion
to let go of ego
to realize we're all in this together
to recognize that i can't help everyone
to give personal space

and most of all
to be at peace.

life's too short to frown.

georgia guidestones

MAINTAIN HUMANITY UNDER 500,000,000

IN PERPETUAL BALANCE WITH NATURE

GUIDE REPRODUCTION WISELY —

IMPROVING FITNESS AND DIVERSITY

UNITE HUMANITY WITH A LIVING

NEW LANGUAGE

RULE PASSION — FAITH — TRADITION

AND ALL THINGS

WITH TEMPERED REASON

PROTECT PEOPLE AND NATIONS

WITH FAIR LAWS AND JUST COURTS

LET ALL NATIONS RULE INTERNALLY

RESOLVING EXTERNAL DISPUTES

IN A WORLD COURT

AVOID PETTY LAWS AND USELESS

OFFICIALS

BALANCE PERSONAL RIGHTS WITH

SOCIAL DUTIES.

PRIZE TRUTH — BEAUTY — LOVE —

SEEKING HARMONY WITH THE

INFINITE

BE NOT A CANCER ON THE EARTH —

LEAVE ROOM FOR NATURE —

LEAVE ROOM FOR NATURE

i think i'm going to be sick

ah, i'm in love!

Patrick Watson is amaaazing!

fragile tension

rainbows in osoyoos =)

It has been two days since I've been home, and already I've come down with a fever. Last night I went to bed around 7:30, and didn't sleep for the entire night... felt like I was on fire and I hallucinated...
I'm a bit better now though. There are so many things I have to do this week, and being sick doesn't help at all.
I miss a lot of people back in Nanners. It's weird living with boundaries and rules again. I just need to keep myself busy I suppose.
I am happy to see my family again. It's a challenge, for sure. But everything will work out. It always does, so I'm not too worried.
Things to accomplish by next Wednesday:
- put out tons of resumes
- organize stuff around the house
- clean up the basement and set up my studio
- buy supplements
- see my friends =)
- get back on my exercise regimen (I don't want to put on the weight I worked so hard to lose!)

I'm going to go back to sleep so that I can (hopefully) be better by tomorrow.

meh

i'm back home.
and now the four month countdown begins

it has only been the first day, and i've realized that people are still closed minded as ever.

i was nobody at all

i hate it when i lose my self-confidence
i guess i'll never know
i love all my friends so much
i guess i'm too nice

i feel like the biggest loser ever.

stop the time

what a roller coaster of a week.
So many things have happened in such a short span of time! I feel so alive and things seem so vibrant. Things are tying together perfectly, and I think I am prepared for my journey back home.
I really think I met an angel in disguise. I don't know where this is meant to go, and what weight it holds in the future, but I'm pretty content on the positive aspect of the situation.
Today I wrote my last exam, and I think I did alright. I learned everything in the span of two days. It would not be that difficult if Myron, our prof, would stop going on tangents unrelated to theory... argh. Anyways, I was at the school since 8:30am studying and hanging out with friends.
After the exam, Annie, Sasha and I hung out and went to the Red Martini to check out a performance; however, many people from the program went to other parties, so we left early. Sasha went her own way, so Annie and I hung out with Chikoe and Eli at Starbucks. Hilaaarious! We were hoping on attending a party... but unfortunately it didn't happen... we were pretty disappointed... ah well. Nothing beats a party in the NiteLife... LOL!
I got home a little while ago, so now I'm making a list on what I have to accomplish tomorrow before I do anything else... clean the house... start packing... etc, etc... Afterwards I have plans to see Annie, Ebony and my boys! I'm still a bit choked that Connor hasn't spoken to me in a month, but I guess you win some and lose some... I really hope things are going well for him.
So now, I begin my four day countdown until I'm back home.
I can't believe there are only FOUR days left!

colours and shapes

things i liked (and loved) about today:
waking up to laughing friends and warm cinnamon waffles
self-motivation
listening to elbow while walking to school
finished theory assignments
the sun's rays baking my skin (15 degrees =) )
naturally wavy hair
hugs and tickles
guitar harmonies
bonfires and marshmallows

ever-lasting memories.

as beautiful as the sun as it shines all over the world

It's Sunday morning, and just as any other Sunday, this one is lazy.
I woke up around noon, and cleaned up a bit. I talked on the phone with my mom, and we discussed how she and dad were going to re-vamp our basement. I'm really excited because that means I get my own little jam studio, and that only means privacy =) The downside of the room is the fact that there are no windows... so I'll have to depend on artificial light. But I'll get used to it... in time. I have to purchase a brand new keyboard, and I'm looking into some hardware as well. I'm pretty exciiiited! We also discussed my financial situation (and yes, I'm unbelievably broke, what's new) so I have a bunch of resume's lined up and ready to go. She said that there is this one job for the City of Kimberley, and it involves being outdoors... which I would love. I've worked my share of indoor jobs, but the outdoors is the best. We'll see how that goes... I have my fingers crossed.
It's currently sunny outside, so I should probably go out for a walk. The coast has had it's share of rain and gloom, but lately the sun's rays have been winning.
Later, Leah and I are going to head to Liam's place for some theory review/studying. I'm really stressed about this exam. It would be easier had I been a jazz student... but I'll still persevere. Also, I am very hungry... my mom can't wire me any money until Tuesday at the latest... which means I have to scrounge for food... haha. But that's okay because I'll be home on Sunday!
It's going to be a huge transition from leaving my new found "home" to my other home. I can't wait to see my old friends, and can only wonder of what new challenges lie ahead for me.

Ah, life.

i don't understand your heart

we might as well be strangers in another town
we might as well be living in another world

sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said I,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.

-- Simon and Garfunkle

surprise surprise

i feel sick to my stomach, yet i'm not ill
how do i let go of this fear?

we're all part of one big symphony

i asked a question, and i got my answer
whatever just happened in the last day has completely bedazzled me
patience does pay off... and it was well worth the wait

i am sooo excited to see what happens in the future...

this is very, very cool

i can barely look at you

i can hardly speak
i understand why you can't raise your voice to say

when every living breath was another new dawn

Yesterday night was super crazy. We had our end of year Vocal Jazz/Choir performances, and I think we did pretty well. I was super stressed about it... and for the silliest reasons too.
I've been feeling pretty horrible with my weight recently, and I really wanted to wear a black dress. So I did... but I didn't feel all that attractive. I know it should not matter; however, I feel like I'm irresponsible for letting my weight go! I know I'm not even big, but still, I neeed to lose the extra bumps here and there. I suppose that is just what happens when you're on a strict budget, and buy the cheapest, unhealthy foods. When I go home I'll get back on track and begin to eat right again.
Anyways, the concert went well. I think I did pretty well on my scat solo, and even though I've improved so much with my voice, I'm still super picky. After watching the year 3 and 4 vocal students perform, I was blown away. They've just further motivated me to improve on myself.
After the concert ended, most of us went down to the Red Martini lounge and had a few drinks and appies. There were students from the program playing live music, just like any other night. It felt really good to unwind. Later, we headed down to Paul's for a bit of a jam sesh and video games. Dustin and I also had a bit of a talk, which was awesome, because I really needed someone to just vent to. Dustin and Paul are pretty cool, and it's not often you find guys like that. We all just crashed there, and went to theory class today with hardly any sleep... so obviously I'm super tired.
Tonight consists of a ton of theory review, because I have NO idea what's going on right now in class... all I know is that it involves transposition... ahhh. And then, I plan to go to bed early. And holy toleedo, I have NO classes tomorrow... which is aweeesommme. So I can sleep in...!
p.s. rain on the coast makes me sad... blah. I would love some sunshine right now!

realizations

i love being able to help people
and allow them to realize that even though life sucks sometimes
there is so much good that comes from it
i wish someone would tell me that from time-to-time
well in a way i just told myself that

but you know what i mean

these words just break and melt

i can't sleep
i don't even know how to fucking feel
where do i begin to make sense of it
why is this all happening now
i feel like i'm dying a little bit more everyday

i can't afford to go back to anyone
just let me be alone
and please keep your problems away from me

i don't think this post is making sense
i'll try to get things off my chest

so
here we go.
-------------------------------------------------------------
once upon a time
people believed in real love
love where two people shared everything together
and they loved one another based on who they are
not on who they should be
they loved one another through the thick and thin
through the good and bad
and realized that they could not live without one another
only that one person's love was the most satisfying
and because of that satisfaction they did not need to look in other places

what happened to that
why are people searching for love in all the wrong places
one night stands, broken hearts
a recipe for disaster that is destined for repetition
because you'll never learn the first time
which leads to more broken hearts
more one night stands

i'll be waiting for that love
that i can share with that one person
and assure to him
that i will never hurt him
because i know how rare it is
to find someone
who won't hurt
or betray you
for all the wrong reasons

i don't want to break hearts
and i don't need your one night stands
because my love
is not meant for you anyway

frozen speech bubbles

i'm questioning everything right now
every single fucking aspect of my life
and everything that i had been sure about
i'm not so sure of anymore

angular momentum

haha. so cute.

don't wait until the storm ends

i don't know if i am lucky
or if i am cursed
in this world that is focused on
money
greed
lust
and lost trust
and every time i see you
i stand there bewildered
because i fear
that you too
will give in to this storm

but even if you've crashed
and fallen so hard that you are unable to rise
i will still stand there before you
and offer you my hand
restoring your trust
in your fellow man
and maybe
just maybe
help you love again