wonder if you're even there

sentence that describes my life as of late: "you win some, you lose some."

Although I've gone through milestones in my life, although things have improved with me, although I've become honest to everyone, although our family has re-connected, although I love all my friends, I've lost so many good people, and am in the process of losing.
Of course, this is just the way things are. It's the natural course of life. You shed those in order to make room for individuals who relate to your life in a certain way.
I won't lie. I miss them dearly; however, I can't do anything about it.
I can't stop thinking that how can it all just be me? One instance, for example, I know for certain that our situation was based on BOTH sides. As much as I want closure, I'll never get it. And I don't know why I'd even want it when nothing will ever come out of it.
But my HEART is breaking. It's the TRUTH to myself.
WHY did I ever get myself in this kind of mess? What do I even do?
Was it all my fault? Was it right for me to have made the decisions that I did?
It's futile to ask these questions. I'll never get an answer. It's best that I forget.

I can't.

Because it's where my heart had belonged from the start, and still belongs to this day.
And I truly hope that whatever caused us to come together helped on the other side. Even if it was only for a certain point in time. I hope all is well.
I hope you're happy.
But I can't deny this to myself, because it is the truth.
My life is still such a mess, and the only one who sees it is me.

It's better to have loved, then to have never loved at all.

On another topic, lyrics I'm digging:

How, how are we off on a tangent again?
Oh we say what we say
And the poison is breaking our skin
Blame, what's to blame?
It's an argument no one can win
Cause at best we don't know
And it's wearing us thin

And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
Just a glare has become
All that we'll ever see there
And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
All of nothing's become
All that we'll ever see there

Cards, we are cards
In a wheel spun around on the truth
Maybe we don't need to know
Any more than we have to

And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
Just a glare has become
All that we'll ever see there
And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
All of nothing's become
All that we'll ever see there

The sky is always wondering
What are these arguments about?
You'd think we would notice
Our eyes are burning up
We should have learned by now

And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
Just a glare has become
All that we'll ever see there
And we stare at the sun
But we never see anything there
All of nothing's become
All that we'll ever see there

It's all that we'll ever see there

And we stare at the sun

-- Stare at the Sun, Mute Math