live it.

Bertrand Russell:

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

adapted

you made me in the image of yourself.

I just want to run away where no one can know I exist. Where no one can see me rise or fall. Where my day is decided upon the turning of the weather, not by the images that continuously flicker upon a screen. Where I'm free from it all. No binds, no chains, no obstacles to trip on. Where you and I are able to communicate without any static to interrupt our speech. Listen to the pitches of your voice. Quit hiding behind a curtain that vanquishes you from your reality. Only you can make yourself happy. The realization of your worth is more valuable than anything else this planet can offer.

do you trust your friends?

Just wanted to take a moment and say that I love my friends. I've been so blessed by having them enter my life. Feels nice to be normal and respected for it.

Going home is going to be so hard...

God bless,

xo

imagine

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

enjoy the ride

Have you ever wondered how some people can be so happy even in the most trying of times? They stick out like sore thumbs!

I've always wanted to be like that - completely carefree about everything. I think that's why many of us are drawn to social situations. You run into these kinds of people, and suddenly the world seems like a better place.

I've been analyzing these social beings, and I've come to many different conclusions on why they are so exuberant about life:
It is human nature to repel away from stressful, painful situations. We are placed in these kinds of environments whether its against our will or not, so we look for that gateway to allow for peace of mind and fun.
Now, who wants to be around a sad, depressed person after a difficult week? Not many at all. And how many of those depressed, sad people want to be in that state? No one! So, we go hang out with people who make us happy.

I don't know what I could do without these people who have that flare for life, no matter how hard it can get. Sometimes I think I'm a downer by the way I can be at parties.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always been the same way: I over think about everything. I can be talking to a person about something serious, and still be thinking about other conflicting issues. It's like I have ADD (I know I don't have it... but sometimes it feels as though I might). When something is stressing me out, I poke and pry around my brain for solutions to my problems.

It's a nice change to be around people who are happy with life. That is how I should be. I shouldn't beat myself up over little issues. Just live life to it's fullest. And whatever is going to happen will happen. It's a matter that is completely out of my hands.

Well, time to go back to studying for finals. Have a pretty eventful week ahead of me. Girls night tomorrow, cookie baking on Sunday, and a Christmas party on Monday! Yeow!

God bless,
x

lifeboats

Send your lifeboats out for me.
Send your lifeboat out.

me, i'm just playing along

Wow - I can't believe how long it's been since the last time I've written.
So many things, big and small, have happened in such a short period of time. Happy things, sad things, confusing things, and disappointing things.

I guess you could say I've become more insightful. I've detached myself from many aspects that once burdened my life. Nanaimo has allowed me to realize so many things about myself that I probably would not have noticed had I stayed in Cranbrook.

Physically, there are two "Harkamal's" that exist. There's the selfish, unsympathetic, and destructive one that resides in Cranbrook, and then there is the enlightened, joyeous and blossoming one who resides in Nanaimo.
Why am I making these two comparisons? Well, let's just say that going home will be a huge challenge - a challenge that will test my strength to not revert back to my old ways.

I have this fear that's eating me from within. I'm so terrified of forgetting what inner peace really is. I was able to break free from the mind struggles and finally begin to think clearly on my own. I am plagued by the "what if's." For instance, "what if" I am left with two choices, and the decision I make reflects on my lack of faith and strength? Am I doomed to failure? How can I open the eyes of those who are left to walk ahead blindfolded? How can I get them to feel what I've felt and encountered?

I've told myself over and over again that I will stand up for what I believe is right. Saying something and doing something are two completely different things. I need to build up my strength so that when the situation arises I may be prepared for the unexpected.

The one main challenge is convincing my parents (mainly my Dad) that what I believe in isn't wrong. That I've finally grown up, and that I can easily distinguish between the bad and good (and of course I know that many will say, "well what exactly is bad and good, and what gives you the right to say you can EASILY distinguish between the two?" - Well, my answer will come from deep within my heart and spirit. Every individual has the right to their own distinctions between the wrong and right).

I never thought this blog would have been THIS deep; however, I am burdened by my thoughts (I wish I could turn off my brain from time to time).

On a more happier note, I can say that I have been blessed by the latest series of events that have occured over the last few weeks. I've met so many loving people who can relate to me in many ways, and that I can relate to them too is awesome!

God, please continue to shed light upon any darkness I may have in my heart, and that you will prevent me from going astray on this path of life.

Night. x

goodnight and go

Guess what? It's 2 am and I'm still awake... again.
There are so many things that I am missing since I've come to Nanaimo. Not the material things, the emotional things. It's really hard. I miss the comfort of being at home for so many reasons.
a) because whenever I'd start to get depressed, I had my friends and family there for me.
b) the fact that I wasn't home alone all the time.
c) I knew everything about Cranbrook so I could go where ever I wanted to.

When you move away on your own, you begin to realize what human nature is really like. When I was in Cranbrook, I took my parents love for granted. They were always there. My mom would always give me hugs and just all the attention I could ever need. And I realize now just how essential that is to me. Whenever I'd feel lost about life or anything else, my mom would always just give me that really long hug where I could cry or whatever on her shoulder. It was so nice. I really wish she was here with me right now. I don't even know why I feel like this. I just feel so low. Sometimes it's even hard to smile around people. I'm just going to pray to God and have Him help me out because I don't know anyone I can turn to for help.

I should really sleep.

Peace, light and love to all.
xo

too many questions

Wow... it's been a long time since I've last written.

The last three weeks have been a giant puzzle that has finally been solved. I know that sounds weird, but it's very true. I got so many signs from God that linked beautifully and intricately together... I will never be the same person that I was one month ago.
I won't mention every sign that had been given to me... but I will share some.
It all began when I met a guy named Connor. If you just saw him walking down the street, you'd think he was a young troublemaker. I met him through Ryan at a little gathering in the north end of Nanaimo - just a bunch of guys and gals drinking and socializing. Ryan and I didn't stay for long as we had to walk back to his house, which would take us about 45 min... and by now it's 2:30 in the morning...
The next day, I added Con on facebook, and then he had added me on msn... it was kind of weird, but I don't care too much about things like that. People want to talk to new people, it's not a new occurance. That night, Connor signed in on msn, and we just started talking. Within one hour, I knew his life story, and he knew mine. It was soooo weird! We connected on a multitude of topics, and it was obvious that we shared the same sort of beliefs towards the world and life.
The next week, I went for drinks with Steve and Connor. We decided to situate ourselves in a tiny pub just around where I live. It was here that I found out Connor wasn't 19. Now, Connor is a BIG guy. He's like 6 foot 3, and probably weighs about 200 lbs... just massive. Anyways, the waitress comes around, ID's Steve and I, and then Connor hands over his driver's license... and at this point Steve and I are just so nervous because we're sure he'd get caught. The waitress hands back the ID to Connor and says, "So what will you have tonight?". Steve and I were in disbelief... Okay I'll return back to the main point of the story. The three of us get some drinks in, and we decide to walk around the harbour. CRAZY night.. I won't say more.. but we talked about everything and it was at this point that we developed a very deep, meaningful friendship.
Let's just say that about two weeks after, Connor told me some news that flipped my world upside down. Everything I believed in, EVERYTHING, was no longer true. My heart sank. I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't go to school for one week because I was mentally unstable. I hardly ate, I cried for hours a day, and I never got out of bed, yet I barely slept. It was the worst week of my entire life.
This week was MY week. It was the week God had given to me to smarten up, and realize the truth. I was once an angry teenager. Now, I'm a mellow young adult. I am no longer irritated by the little problems in life. Little problems include drama, family arguments, boy issues,... just all the stupid stuff. I began to understand why people acted the way they did. I could see why people were unhappy, angry, or even suicidal. However, I am still unable to grasp why there are certain individuals on this planet that use their time on earth to make others miserable.
After that week, I questioned everything I saw. And I got my answers very quickly. Initially, I was going to school for a degree in Nutrition. After that week, I dropped my science courses, and decided to base my life around music. Starting next January, I will be enrolled in the music program. I want to have a profession that brings joy not only to myself, but others around me. People need to be happy. They do not need to live in pain, suffering and fear. Life is too short for that.
I made myself closer to God. I ask Him everyday to guide me on the right path, and to shine His light on the people in the world. I wish people would wake up and stop fighting over cast, money, religion, beliefs. We need to unite together, and realize that in the end, we are all the same. We breathe the same air, we have blood running through our veins, and that we will end up in the same place.
I know this blog is very scattered and confusing. But I can't really write everything out... it only makes sense to me.

It's like 2 am right now... and I can't sleep. I go through patterns like this every now and then... tonight is just one of those unsettling nights I guess. I probably wouldn't be this unstable if I could see my mom for a bit. She's always been good at comforting me, and bringing my mind to peace. She's my angel. The minute I get some cash flowing into my pocket from my job, I'll probably fly home for a weekend just to see my family. I regret all the fighting and arguments we had in the past.

But, to kind of sum things up, Nanaimo has been the best thing for me. I've grown up tremendously within the span of a month and a half. It's good to have a free conscience to help you see what you're doing wrong in your life. I won't ever stop growing as a person. And I ask God to keep me on the path of righteousness.

Peace, light and love to all.

xoxo

crazy jane on god

That lover of a night
Came when he would,
Went in the dawning light
Whether I would or no;
Men come, men go;
All things remain in God.

Banners choke the sky;
Men-at-arms tread;
Armoured horses neigh
In the narrow pass:
All things remain in God.

Before their eyes a house
That from childhood stood
Uninhabited, ruinous,
Suddenly lit up
From door to top:
All things remain in God.

I had wild Jack for a lover;
Though like a road
That men pass over
My body makes no moan
But sings on:
All things remain in God.

-- William Butler Yeates

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-- e.e. cummings

ageless beauty

So I'm just hanging out in the comfort of my home today. I cleaned the house, put up my Coldplay poster, and now I'm about to cook dinner. The last couple of days have been really refreshing, so I thought I'd just take a minute to reflect upon them.

I talked to a very special person on Friday. For once in my life, I felt like I could actually connect with someone on such a personal level. I can't tell you how light my shoulders feel after talking about the things that bother me. And in return, he told me some things that literally made my heart break. I feel terrible for him. But I know that events happen for a reason sometimes, and it's made him into such a great human being. There's a sense of peace about him. He's so comforting to have around. I'm so blessed to have him come into my life.

When I would tell him my stories, he listened contently. There was never a moment where I felt that he may be ignoring or judging me. He makes my heart happy. He's beautiful, inside and out. I can't wait to talk to him again. I hope he's doing okay.

Well, I'm going to go prepare dinner. I don't feel lonely anymore.

xoxo

sleep tonight

Wow, today has been reaaally long and frustrating. I have been studying chemistry for a good portion of my day. I was initially supposed to be reading in the library, but then I got hungry, and well buying food from the cafe would not have been a good idea (seeing as I am flat broke). So I booked it home, made some food, cleaned the house, and studied. To take a break from all of that, I made a cute little photo collage on my pin board. I figured I needed to give my space a little bit of life.. it's so bland. And I don't have the money to afford decorative pieces. It's sooo sad.

I just lit some candles, and I'm trying my hardest to relax (who thought that relaxing could take effort?). Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Things didn't go according to plan for school, and I feel like I'm losing focus.

I initially came here to do my math and sciences, but I don't find it very exciting... like, with biology I was actually facinated by learning about the human body and the way organisms live. But with chemistry it's so... bland? I know it SHOULDN'T be... but I'm an arts girl. What can I say?

Whenever Wednesdays and Fridays roll around, I get SUPER pumped. I start the day with music theory, and suddenly the world feels like a better place. You can feel all the positive energy from the music students and teachers. Everyone is sooo happy. It's euphoric. After my Wednesday class ended, I went to the library and read about Bach's life (the teacher didn't mention ANYTHING about him... I just felt like I had to expand my knowledge about such great, facinating people). I learned so much about him. And then I read up on musical modes, and learned how to create scales with them (such as Aeolian... haha). Just BEING in that class makes me wish my parents didn't forget my flute at home! :( It's like a piece of me is missing. Playing the flute always helped calm me down after a really hectic day... and now that I don't have that, I just listen to other floutists play... and I get SO jealous because I want to work harder at it, and become just as good as them. But I'm wasting time without my instrument. Gah...

I really hope I'll be able to participate in the next Baker production because: a) I'll get a ticket home... and see my family and friends... and actually eat some REAL food! b)I'll get to play music again! yaaay! c) Be able to sleep in my OWN bed. I'll have to give Bueckert a call really soon. Hopefully he hasn't picked anyone out yet.

Well, I'm going to jet. I have some more studying to do (aawwwwhhhhhhh) and then i'm going to get some z's... I didn't sleep at all last night. THANK YOU STRESS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

xox

homesick

I so badly want to go home! Aaaah.

my oh my

I honestly can't believe I'm falling. Isn't that a bit odd?
Yikes.

tidy

I miss you too.
Something old is broken,
nobody’s in hell.
Sometimes I kiss strangers,
sometimes no one speaks.
Today in fact
it’s raining. I go out on the lawn.
It’s such a tiny garden,
like a photo of a pool.
I am cold,
are you?
Sometimes we go dancing,
cars follow us back home.
Today the quiet
slams down
gently, like drizzled
lightning,
leafless trees.
It’s all so tidy,
a fire in the living room,
a rug from Greece,
Persian rugs and pillows,
and in the kitchen,
the light
fogged with windows. -- Ralph Angel

i just realized

Sundays are always all about the chores. I got up around 10 because I stayed up way too late talking to a good friend of mine on msn. I really needed someone to just talk to about anything, and have someone make me laugh and make me feel like I'm at home. It was reaaally comforting.

After I woke up, I cleaned the house from top to bottom. I bleached the sink, the counters, the floors, everything. I then lit some candles to make it smell fresh, and studied some chemistry.

I've noticed that I have been eating more... and I think it's because I just sit at home and whenever I study I feel that I "need" something to graze on... I don't want it to become a habit! I think I'm going to give my box of cookies to dan so I won't eat anything that will make me put on weight... argh.

It was really nice to have a day for myself. I realized that I need to stop being so negative towards myself, and start looking at the positive things. Living on my own is an entirely new experience to me, and it's taking me a long time to adjust. It would be easier if I had someone I knew that studied here, but I don't. I can't just go up to some people and strike a conversation, it's out of my comfort zone. But I have to try. I need to get in gear and start making my life more exciting and appreciated. Tomorrow I'm going to head to the library and sign out a few books. ANYTHING to help me focus on myself, and make life here in Nanaimo more enjoyable.

Tonight I need to go buy some groceries. Getting out for a little while would sure be nice.

Tomorrow = more smiles, more studying, more conversations, and more FUN.

xox.

you can do better than me

It's a friday night and I'm at home. It should not be too big of a deal. I actually was enjoying the idea of a peace and quiet, but now I feel like I should get out. Not out of boredom, but because I can't stop thoughts racing through my mind... I hate it when that happens.

I'm feeling stressed out again by everything. I have a huge bill to pay, I still need to get a job, I haven't met too many girlfriends yet... I would love to have some girl time, and I miss so many people from back home. Some weird things happened today that also made me feel worse about myself.

Because I have been deep in thought, I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I honestly believe I'm the most boring person on the face of the earth, and I don't see why anyone would want to be with me. And the guys that do come along don't even meet my standards at all.

Most guys at this age look for only a few things in a girl: how big her breasts are, and if she'll sleep with them. It's disgusting. Not all, but most. And then you get the guys who are amazing and meet ALL of your standards. But then you find out that they have girlfriends. And then you don't know what to do because you feel stupid, because you're sure that they know you like them.

I'm at the point of just giving up on looking for someone. I have a lot to give. But I don't know if I can keep allowing myself to get hurt. I should just accept the fact that I'm a complicated being that will never be understood. I've lost the sense of being "comfortable" around people. Every day is like a new blow to my self-esteem.

One of my friends today said I should go to the bar and make-out with a bunch of guys. I don't think that's going to solve the problem at all. I can't imagine doing that at all. I don't have that kind of mentality. I'm going to say something so incredibly corny right now but it must be said.

I want someone that I can tell anything to. Someone who isn't afraid of talking to me of what is wrong. I want to defend, and be defended by, the person I love. I only want to love ONE person in my lifetime. I want to work on problems that arise in relationships. I want to live every day to its fullest potential. I want to give someone a new out look on life. I want to give someone confidence. When things get really hectic in life, I want to have someone to give me peace. Instead of going out to drink and party, I would rather have a bottle of wine and the person I love in a place of solace. I want the simple things. I want to love.

I wonder how many tests God is going to give me in the next year.

may my heart always be open to little...

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-- e.e. cummings

lovely to see you

I've recently met this amazing guy at school, and literally he has swept me off my feet. I've only known him for about a week, but I'm falling for him sooo fast. Actually, I've already fallen. It's so hard to contain.
However, there is a huuuge problem... I can't have him. For a reason.

Why do complex situations always seem to be in store for me? I finally find someone I like after FOUR years! And then this happens. great.

The really difficult part is that I feel as though he likes me too. I could be wrong and just think he's a really nice guy. But I'm not sure... and I don't want to intrude on anything. I don't even know how to get my head around the situation.

He's so different in so many ways. The little things I notice when I'm around him make him seem so genuine. For example, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he listens and responds, his interests, his intellect, his love for life. Everything.

He even admitted to feeling like a kid still... which is what I feel too! But yet he's so mature. And so kind. He reminds me of someone that I have wanted for a long time now..

I wish I could just tell him how I feel. But I know that would be wrong. There are some moments where I won't even look at him or talk too much because I don't want to do anything stupid. But at the same time I just want to be with him.. I can't stop thinking about him. It's sooo weird. And I can hardly focus.

When I sit next to him I can hardly breathe. I know this sounds SO corny. But it's so true! And when he even looks at me for more than a second I just blush. I feel like a little school girl...

I guess I will see how things go. I know that when the situation begins to turn that I will make the right decision.

I have class with him tomorrow.. .soooo anxious. :(

xx.

my favorite book

and that is why we'll always make it
how i know your face
all the ways you move
you come in
i can read you, you're my favorite book
all the things you say
the way you shift your eyes
i never knew there was someone to make me come alive

black and gold

Don't have much to say.
You just get pulled into that one direction. And you don't fight it.
So glad I took the chance.

end of the week, start of the weekend

Yay, first week of classes are dooone!

Time to go out and just have some fun. Yeooow.

Dancing sounds nice.

xx

airwaves and airlines

I LOVE MY FRIENDS BACK HOME

thanks for listening.

xox

i just want to spread love

My friend Brandon and I had some pretty interesting discussions today. We were talking about how the world has been changing, and it's not changing for the better. Mainly our topic focused on the issue of relationships (friendships, family, and personal).

It seems as though in this day and age everyone is out to hurt someone. It may be intentional, or unintentional (mainly through misunderstandings), but there are very few who try to work on or solve the problem that's causing the doubt, misery, pain, or sadness.

Many people now are not trying for a meaningful, personal relationship. Many seek a physical alternative rather than the emotional one. They lose out on the people who might have actually cared about them. It's a bitter fall. Those candidates who are wanting someone to love for their entire lives are being pushed into the corner, or instead they change themselves to fit in with society. We are losing who we are as individuals.

People are not willing to be themselves. I know that I genuinely love myself for who I am. I have my own morals and beliefs, and if people are uneasy about it, that's their problem.
Another problem that's arising is the lack of support from peers or friends for the people who are having problems in life. I hear a lot of people say that they would "rather not get involved" with an issue because they fear retribution from other non-supporters. I know that many people are like me, but it breaks my heart when I see someone suffering. And I feel worse when I don't do anything to help them. I don't have a heart of stone.

This conversation started when I talked to Brandon about my fears. I'm terrified of being hurt emotionally. I give people so much sometimes that it's draining. When it comes to the opposite sex, I worry that he will not respect the choices that I make for myself. From experiences that I've gone through, I've created a mindset that focused on loving just one person. I want to love someone for who they are. And I want someone to love me as well. I want to work on problems and strengthen a relationship. But people get scared by one word: commitment. I want to commit to someone. But do you know how hard it is to find that kind of being?

xx

starlings

Today is the first day of college here in Nanaimo!
Hahaha... yes I am actually excited for a change. I can't wait to see all the different things VIU offers compared to the College of the Rockies. there are many extra curricular activities, so I'm going to explore my options and join things that will help keep me occupied.
I only have one class today which is chemistry. No labs for this week, which is perfect. I'll be able to get my things organized and possibly party a tad with some new people!

Well I'm off to get ready... I should get there early so I can see where my classes are located.

ciao, xox.

we are nowhere and it's now

It's 8:07 AM on a Friday... I don't think I've been up this early in an entire week. I've been pretty restless from the events that unfolded before me yesterday, so I thought I'd crash with my friend Cori for the night. She had to work this morning, so I'm back at Ryan's. Yeah... yesterday was definitely not a good day for me, or Ryan.

How can I put this. I haven't been here for that long and already Ryan and I have had our first big argument. I'm sure it's all just a series of misunderstandings, but he's not willing to hear me out, and I don't know how I can listen to him either. I've heard that the best of friends fight, but the situation is so complex where I don't even know if we'll ever become friends again. It's probably the communication breach, or the fact that we grew up into people that are entirely polar opposites of one another - leaving us unable to see things eye to eye.

Ryan and I haven't really had a "real" conversation with one another at all. We don't even talk about things that are relevant to our interests. So, when there is a matter of conflict, he decides not to open up to me about what's bothering him. Instead he just hides it away, and pretends that everything is O.K. I grew up to be that kind of person that would rather hear the facts face-to-face. NOT over the internet, and definitely NOT through text. If you're going to say something, say it TO the person. Ryan, on the other hand, suffered so much over the last few years where he's learned to not trust many people, so the only way that he can communicate is through text or e-mail.

And that's what really hurts. The fact that I'm here for him, now, at this present time, and he gets so stubborn in his ways that he decides to completely avoid me, and say things about the kind of character that he's judged me to be. He even mentioned that I don't know a single thing about him... clearly he has no idea who I am either. He said I'm a hypocrite, a judgmental and criticizing being, who is so far up on her high horse that she can't see what's there.

I guess that's what you get for trying to help someone. They get defensive. They don't realize how much you're willing to take for them. It's hard to take when you're a victim of past circumstances. All I wanted to do was help him. Instead I got hurt - again.

I'll still be there for him. No matter what he said about me, I'll still be here. We're all beings of change, and maybe, one day, he'll realize what I tried to do for him and become friends again. Until then, I just can't be around him.

So I'm moving out today. My basement suite isn't yet ready to be lived in, but that's okay. I need some time for myself. I've been so wrapped up around other people lately that I've forgotten about my needs. I still need to purchase my groceries and kitchen supplies. I'll do that today and get out of the way. But there is some good news... my parents are arriving tomorrow with all the things I'll be needing in order to live on my own. I've missed my mother so much. I guess you really learn the true value of your parents once you move out. It even makes family relationships stronger. Maybe distance is what Ryan and I need to make our friendship stronger.

I have a lot to do today. I have to drop off my resume to a small coffee shop just down the street from where I live. I need to take a tour of the bus system to become familiar with the route. I need to buy a modern rug for my kitchen / bedroom. And most importantly, I need to pull myself together. I can't keep falling apart like this.

It's going to be a long day.

xx.

hardwire

I've been in Nanaimo for about 12 days now, and I'm just beginning to settle in. About two days after I'd arrived on the island I took a trip down to the place where I'll be living for the next 8 months, and it was a little shocking. It's basically a basement with three separate living areas, including private bathroom and kitchen, and only the shower is shared. I guess it was surprising at first because I wasn't used to the idea of me sleeping in my kitchen, and I think my landlord could kind of hear the disappointment in my voice when I said, "so this is my room?". Anyway, I ended up meeting one of my room mates, and she's such a sweet heart. Her name is Marie. She is also going to VIU with me, taking classes for dental assisting. She showed me how I could make my place more livable by adding certain things. One of my room mates hadn't moved in yet, so I took the table from her room and used it for myself haha. Oh well, it's a secret between Marie and I, so no harm done.
I immediately starting shopping for things to accentuate my room. The theme is mostly chocolate browns, lots of candles, a bit of blue and green, and a few lamps to add ambiance. If I'm going to be studying there, might as well make it comfortable. I also bought this hanging star made from glass to hang in my room. You can put a tea light inside it, and the end result is beautiful.
There was no microwave, skillet, or toaster in the kitchen so I have to purchase those as well. I failed to mention that I have been staying with Ryan and his family for the last 12 days. It's really nice of them to offer me a place to stay before I'm actually settled in, but eventually you get to the point where you think you're intruding on their lives. I usually get ready in the morning and head out with some people I've recently met in order to give his family some space.
I've also had a few terrible moments here. The most recent is where I went out with Ryan, Cori and Barry to a bar called The Queens. They offer live music 7 days a week, and I've been told it's the most popular choice among people for the dancing and alcohol. I went down and had my first Jager Bomb ( I know I know, it's very sad), and I loved it. Then came the Vodka slimes which I engulfed so fast. I got pretty drunk, and let's just say it wasn't the best night of my life. Some memories of the past were resurfacing, and it was difficult to keep my emotions down. I cried a lot. But after that night I realized that I'm here for a reason, and that's to work on my problems and try to become a happier person. And I know I will. It's just going to take some time. I need to meet new people and do things to make me conquer all those bad memories. All I want is to laugh, study, love (maybe?), listen to and play a lot of music, and dance.
I'm sure that once school starts, many of these things will come to me. I can't wait.

xx.

fix you

I'm ready to move on with whatever it takes.
No one can hold me back.
I am who I am.

she's leaving on a jet plane

Moving for the first time from your family is so hard. I'm finally here in Nanaimo, and it's been a bit of a roller coaster. I left on Monday from the cranbrook airport without even having a goodbye hug from my mom... i checked in early, and then later i realized that i coudln't go back to where she was! We were seperated by a wall of glass... the only way i was able to communicate with her was by writing a text message on my phone and then showing it to her through the glass. When it was time for departure, I just waved bye, held back the tears, and got on the plane. I cried so much... I felt sorry for the lady sitting right next to me haha.

I got into Nanaimo at about 2pm and Ryan picked me up. We didn't have much to talk about... so it was a pretty long drive to his house (or it at least felt like it). When we got there, we realized his parents weren't home, so we decided to go grab a bite to eat. I had the best sushi at this place called the Blue Ginger. You can get a pretty decent sized lunch platter for about 10 dollars. I engulfed everything on the plate.

I started to feel pretty low. I guess it's because reality finally hit me and said "you're on your own now". I tried to look for ways to pass the time. Ryan's entire family was home including his uncle Barry, his brother Derek, and Derek's wife Lisa. I felt like I was at home by being around them. They are a very loving family indeed.

I was mainly looking forward to the Radiohead concert the next day... and it was the most amazing concert I have ever been to... hands down. Ryan and I grabbed the ferry to vancouver, and Dan picked me up from the dock. we drove around waiting until 1 pm so we could meet up with Jackie, Gwen, Kyla, Dan, and Dan's wife Andrea at the Bosman hotel. We had nothing better to do so we drove around downtown Van... and let's just say that looking for a parking spot can be quite the adventure. We met up with dan's sister Leah downtown. I thought she was so cool and nice. Didn't talk to her much though. We hung out at HMV for awhile looking through music and movies. it was about 1:30 and we decided to head to the hotel we would be staying at.

To summarize things quickly, let's just say that we met up with the crew, Dan took off, the rest of us took a bus to UBC stadium for the concert, we got in, we were horrified by the 10 dollar beer, we got some Radiohead shirts, it was beginning to rain, the Liars opened for Radiohead, Dan met up with us, and then Radiohead finally came on stage about 3 hours later.

I've never seen a crowd so hyped in my life. Thom came out on stage, said some crazy things, and began to play. Their first song was 15 step. I was literally in heaven. I videotaped most of their performances on my cell phone even though it was raining. But who the fuck cares? I can't even say how amazing it was in words. You just had to be there to get the effect.

When the show ended, it was literally a downpour. Thousands of people began making their way off UBC grounds, and we were soaked. The buses weren't running in full service and it pissed off tons of people. We realized that we were pretty much screwed, so we headed to Gage building and took shelter. There were 6 of us that needed to get home fast so we could get warm and go to sleep. It was a good thing that Dan was there to save us, so he picked us up and got us home. We celebrated with pizza haha. Then it was time for some shut eye.

Since the concert ended I've been pretty bored. I've mainly just hung out with Ryan and his family. I went for a walk with Trina and Jackie, and I think we're going to make curry tonight... I can't wait. I've been waiting for some east indian cuisine. I hope it turns out good... because I'm making it! I'm so nervous... I hope I payed enough attention to my mom's directions on good curry...

I'm going to go and google up some ideas on making curry even more spectacular.
xx.

breathe me

If there is anything I miss right now, it's you.
If there is anyone I want to be right now, it's you.
If there is anywhere I want to be right now, it's with you.
4 beautiful years.

summer skin

Last night was such a great night. I was able to hang out with Naomi and Katie at elizabeth park and just have some quality time. We wanted to have dinner together first, so we headed to Dante's and we all ordered the same dish... lasagna! It was deliiicious. I was amazed to see Naomi and Kate devour their entire plate and I could only eat half of it! Sooo filling.

Katie made me a scrapbook of photos of the three of us. It nearly made me die of laughter. We are really a silly bunch. I don't think people really understand our humour, but it's better to stay young as long as you can! I was drawn to tears by how thoughtful she was! I just hid my tears and smiled instead.

And then we went to the lake! It was absolutely gooorgeous outside. 32 degrees and clear skies! So we once again had a photo shoot and took some pretty wacky photos.

Today I went for lunch with noelle and just talked about our worries of school. I won't lie, we're both pretty terrified. But I know that she and I will have a great time. It will be so good to get away from this town and meet new people and experience new things. I know she'll love calgary, and I know she will succeed in whatever she does. I hope I do well too.

I'm so lucky to have such a good group of caring friends. It's hard to find people who don't start drama or judge you by just looking at you. I think people definetely need to accept people for who they are. Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way.

Well anywho, I'm off of work now. I finally get to get my cell phone today! I haven't had one since grade 12, so I know I'll get addicted to the texting again... shucks.

xx.

don't be defeated, defeat it

Today I feel kind of low. I love being active and healthy, but I don't think I'm doing enough to get to where I want to be. I'm not satisfied I guess you could say.

Satisfied - the one word that can be used for a variety of things, thoughts, and feelings. To me, being satisfied would be to reach my goal. The "goal" is still very far from now... but in order to reach it, one must be patient and have some faith in themselves.

That faith has dwindled over the past week. Eating should bring pleasure, not pain. It should be something that brings people together, not pull them apart.
Most people know that back in grade 12 I had a pretty serious eating disorder. I was literally "starving for attention", and of course, I did get the attention that I wanted. I felt great about myself. I could fit in size 0-2 clothing and look amazing. At least I thought I looked amazing... until one day my friend brought a mirror to me and a picture of what I had used to look like.
I lost it all. I had no curves. I was basically a walking skeleton, who thought she looked great. Nothing but a skeleton dressed in rags.. not the tight clothing I thought it was. Even the smallest of sizes just looked big on me. I was a mess.

Everyone told me that I had to recover. I had to get past the idea that the only way I could be loved was to be frail and unhealthy. People loved me before the disorder struck, but my selfishness always got in the way, and I actually ended up pushing quite a few people away with my stubborness.

So I decided to get healthy. It wasn't easy, of course. Before, I could eat and know when to stop. After the anorexia, I would eat.. but I lost track of how much a person would have to eat in a day, and of what to eat. So I went on binges. And after every binge I would sit in the corner with my stomach protruding from my tiny frame and just cry. I would cry from the pain, the water retention, and of course, the thought of me getting fat. It was hell.

The worst part of all was that even though I was getting healthy and gaining weight, I had lost most of my muscle mass. I used to be a really active, built teenager when I was younger, but after starving myself religiously, there was no muscle left to feed. I literally became a walking blob. It only made my confidence in myself worse.

After 2 years of my battle, I finally recovered. I hit the gym, I did weights, I did episodes of cardio, and at last I was starting to feel good in my own skin. I finally know how to balance my caloric intake, the balance of both the healthy and unhealthy foods, and to not beat myself up if I over ate one day. There is always tomorrow.

And I guess that's where I'm at right now. I haven't been able to get the exercise I've been wanting this week, and I haven't been eating the greatest. I think part of it has to do with the stress of leaving home and living alone, the classes I am going to be taking, and leaving all the people I love back in Cranbrook.

It's more than all of that too. I felt beautiful when I was thinner. I didn't have anything holding me back. I didn't have to worry about my weight, and that helped me focus in school. I had legs that people would die for. And now I don't really look like that. I guess you could say that I feel defeated. It really should be the opposite, because I did defeat my eating disorder, but the feelings of shame and guilt still stay in my mind. I would love to stop wearing the clothing that covers my flaws... mainly my love handles, stomach and thighs.

Nanaimo will bring major changes to my self-esteem... in a good way. I know that i'll have more time to just focus upon myself, and get my body AND mind in gear. I want to run some marathons, lift more weights, eat more conciously, and most of all, learn to love myself for who I am. After all, if you can't learn to love yourself, how will you learn to love the other people around you?

strawberry swing

"People moving all the time, inside a perfectly straight line.

Don't you want to curve away... it's such a perfect day."

So here I am - my very first blog entry. Soon it will be full of memories of the past, present, and thoughts about the future. I hope that one day I will be able to reflect upon my entries, and be proud of the person I've become.

I have one week left until I leave Cranbrook and begin actually "living" my life the way I want it to be lived. I'll be attending Vancouver Island University in the fall, pursuing a career in Nutrition - it's all very exciting.

As exciting as it is, I am also very sad to leave my parents and my friends who have been there for me through the thick and thin. Cranbrook holds so many memories... those that are good, and those that are bad. So leaving would mean starting a new life where no one can judge me of my past.

But yes. My parents. Oh, I love them for all that they've done for me. When I would lose my way down the road, they'd find me, and bring me back to the proper highway route. They've made me into the woman I am now. I won't ever forget their teachings. They truly are a blessing.

And of course, my friends. I've met so many people this last year, and I think I've finally found the best lot. It's hard to find those who will listen to you during your darkest moments, and laugh with you during those that are full of light. I know I've made many mistakes after high school, but they did help me regain conciousness of my doings, and help me become a better person. I love each and every one of them from the bottom of my heart. And they know it. (They'd better know it!)

I went for lunch with Nick today. He truly is one of those people who will do anything to make your day better. I had to squeeze him into my schedule before I take off. We went to Mr. Mike's and had some food - the childhood favorite of course... chicken fingers :) . We just talked about our adventures over the last two weeks, and laughed about some funny moments. We talked about school in the fall, and how unusual it will be to lose so many of our good friends to different institutions or jobs. After some chit-chat, he dropped me off at work, and we said our final good-byes until the winter time. He'll be in my prayers.

The entire week has me revolving around my friends. I would feel terrible to not see them before I leave... tomorrow night consists of dinner with Naomi and Katie. I'm sure we'll have fun and just have some nice girl time... something we haven't gotten a lot of this summer...

I've just recently moved to Marysville, and boy do I love it! The drive home is always so beautiful. It doesn't matter what the weather is... it just always looks serene and calm. I love to just sit in the passenger seat with my headphones in and listen to some Coldplay or Elbow. My famiy loves it, too.

Tonight I HAVE to get my packing done! Ugh, I'm such a procrastinator! So much has to get done... and I don't even know where to start! (Actually... I do... the laundry MUST get done!). After all that, I just want to sit down and unwind with my mother. We don't get much alone time after all.

xx