It's 8:07 AM on a Friday... I don't think I've been up this early in an entire week. I've been pretty restless from the events that unfolded before me yesterday, so I thought I'd crash with my friend Cori for the night. She had to work this morning, so I'm back at Ryan's. Yeah... yesterday was definitely not a good day for me, or Ryan.
How can I put this. I haven't been here for that long and already Ryan and I have had our first big argument. I'm sure it's all just a series of misunderstandings, but he's not willing to hear me out, and I don't know how I can listen to him either. I've heard that the best of friends fight, but the situation is so complex where I don't even know if we'll ever become friends again. It's probably the communication breach, or the fact that we grew up into people that are entirely polar opposites of one another - leaving us unable to see things eye to eye.
Ryan and I haven't really had a "real" conversation with one another at all. We don't even talk about things that are relevant to our interests. So, when there is a matter of conflict, he decides not to open up to me about what's bothering him. Instead he just hides it away, and pretends that everything is O.K. I grew up to be that kind of person that would rather hear the facts face-to-face. NOT over the internet, and definitely NOT through text. If you're going to say something, say it TO the person. Ryan, on the other hand, suffered so much over the last few years where he's learned to not trust many people, so the only way that he can communicate is through text or e-mail.
And that's what really hurts. The fact that I'm here for him, now, at this present time, and he gets so stubborn in his ways that he decides to completely avoid me, and say things about the kind of character that he's judged me to be. He even mentioned that I don't know a single thing about him... clearly he has no idea who I am either. He said I'm a hypocrite, a judgmental and criticizing being, who is so far up on her high horse that she can't see what's there.
I guess that's what you get for trying to help someone. They get defensive. They don't realize how much you're willing to take for them. It's hard to take when you're a victim of past circumstances. All I wanted to do was help him. Instead I got hurt - again.
I'll still be there for him. No matter what he said about me, I'll still be here. We're all beings of change, and maybe, one day, he'll realize what I tried to do for him and become friends again. Until then, I just can't be around him.
So I'm moving out today. My basement suite isn't yet ready to be lived in, but that's okay. I need some time for myself. I've been so wrapped up around other people lately that I've forgotten about my needs. I still need to purchase my groceries and kitchen supplies. I'll do that today and get out of the way. But there is some good news... my parents are arriving tomorrow with all the things I'll be needing in order to live on my own. I've missed my mother so much. I guess you really learn the true value of your parents once you move out. It even makes family relationships stronger. Maybe distance is what Ryan and I need to make our friendship stronger.
I have a lot to do today. I have to drop off my resume to a small coffee shop just down the street from where I live. I need to take a tour of the bus system to become familiar with the route. I need to buy a modern rug for my kitchen / bedroom. And most importantly, I need to pull myself together. I can't keep falling apart like this.
It's going to be a long day.
xx.
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