It's a friday night and I'm at home. It should not be too big of a deal. I actually was enjoying the idea of a peace and quiet, but now I feel like I should get out. Not out of boredom, but because I can't stop thoughts racing through my mind... I hate it when that happens.
I'm feeling stressed out again by everything. I have a huge bill to pay, I still need to get a job, I haven't met too many girlfriends yet... I would love to have some girl time, and I miss so many people from back home. Some weird things happened today that also made me feel worse about myself.
Because I have been deep in thought, I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I honestly believe I'm the most boring person on the face of the earth, and I don't see why anyone would want to be with me. And the guys that do come along don't even meet my standards at all.
Most guys at this age look for only a few things in a girl: how big her breasts are, and if she'll sleep with them. It's disgusting. Not all, but most. And then you get the guys who are amazing and meet ALL of your standards. But then you find out that they have girlfriends. And then you don't know what to do because you feel stupid, because you're sure that they know you like them.
I'm at the point of just giving up on looking for someone. I have a lot to give. But I don't know if I can keep allowing myself to get hurt. I should just accept the fact that I'm a complicated being that will never be understood. I've lost the sense of being "comfortable" around people. Every day is like a new blow to my self-esteem.
One of my friends today said I should go to the bar and make-out with a bunch of guys. I don't think that's going to solve the problem at all. I can't imagine doing that at all. I don't have that kind of mentality. I'm going to say something so incredibly corny right now but it must be said.
I want someone that I can tell anything to. Someone who isn't afraid of talking to me of what is wrong. I want to defend, and be defended by, the person I love. I only want to love ONE person in my lifetime. I want to work on problems that arise in relationships. I want to live every day to its fullest potential. I want to give someone a new out look on life. I want to give someone confidence. When things get really hectic in life, I want to have someone to give me peace. Instead of going out to drink and party, I would rather have a bottle of wine and the person I love in a place of solace. I want the simple things. I want to love.
I wonder how many tests God is going to give me in the next year.
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