realizations

i love being able to help people
and allow them to realize that even though life sucks sometimes
there is so much good that comes from it
i wish someone would tell me that from time-to-time
well in a way i just told myself that

but you know what i mean

these words just break and melt

i can't sleep
i don't even know how to fucking feel
where do i begin to make sense of it
why is this all happening now
i feel like i'm dying a little bit more everyday

i can't afford to go back to anyone
just let me be alone
and please keep your problems away from me

i don't think this post is making sense
i'll try to get things off my chest

so
here we go.
-------------------------------------------------------------
once upon a time
people believed in real love
love where two people shared everything together
and they loved one another based on who they are
not on who they should be
they loved one another through the thick and thin
through the good and bad
and realized that they could not live without one another
only that one person's love was the most satisfying
and because of that satisfaction they did not need to look in other places

what happened to that
why are people searching for love in all the wrong places
one night stands, broken hearts
a recipe for disaster that is destined for repetition
because you'll never learn the first time
which leads to more broken hearts
more one night stands

i'll be waiting for that love
that i can share with that one person
and assure to him
that i will never hurt him
because i know how rare it is
to find someone
who won't hurt
or betray you
for all the wrong reasons

i don't want to break hearts
and i don't need your one night stands
because my love
is not meant for you anyway

frozen speech bubbles

i'm questioning everything right now
every single fucking aspect of my life
and everything that i had been sure about
i'm not so sure of anymore

angular momentum

haha. so cute.

don't wait until the storm ends

i don't know if i am lucky
or if i am cursed
in this world that is focused on
money
greed
lust
and lost trust
and every time i see you
i stand there bewildered
because i fear
that you too
will give in to this storm

but even if you've crashed
and fallen so hard that you are unable to rise
i will still stand there before you
and offer you my hand
restoring your trust
in your fellow man
and maybe
just maybe
help you love again

i can only pull so much hair off my head

As if things in my life couldn't get any more difficult.
My mother phoned me today, and instead of being supportive and understanding, she begins to tell me how I should not go to school for music. Apparently, both my mom and dad have been talking about it, and they think that I should do business instead. They'd rather me stay in Cranbrook and go to the college there.
Are you kidding me? I can't stand it there. I can't stand the people, the bull shit, the isolation, and so much more. THIS is where I belong. Why can't they let me make my own decisions? For pete sake, I'm going to be 21 in October.
Music is the only thing that has made me happy. And they both know it.
This summer is going to fucking suck. I have to pretend to be friends with people that I don't even associate with, act like all is cool between my father and I, and just live a double life. I hate it. I hate it sooo much and I just dread the thought of going back every single day.
I want to enjoy my remaining time here. I do not want to argue with my parents over anything anymore. That part of my life was sooo high school. Why can't we have civilized adult conversations, and accept the fact that I've grown up and that I will not conform to their desires.

I am sooo mad.

rum, coke.. and amp?

After these last two weeks of disappointment and stress, I finally had a night where I was able to be myself and have fun!
I hung out with most of the people from the music program, and ended up at Paul's house where I had the time of my life! Stellar people, great jam sessions, so much laughter, a random walk downtown to get food at like 3am, and awesome conversations! It's so sad that I got to know these people towards the end of the year, but it's good too because then next September I will finally feel at home in the program.
I think this whole crazy partying lifestyle is losing its edge. I'm sure that next fall I'll be more grounded and focused on what I need to do, and I'm very excited for it.
I've finally decided on what I'm going to pursue: Major in vocals, along with a degree in both classical and jazz flute. I'm going to do it all! Thank God one aspect of my life is tying together perfectly.
Aaah. I only got four hours of sleeep. Leah, some other guys and I ended up getting to my place at like 4am, and we got to bed at 430.... the guys wouldn't leaaave. Anyways, we ended up grabbing some breaky at Tim's and now I think I'm going to go back to bed and make up for lost sleep....
Tonight I am going with Liz down to Parksville to see her in the talent show. I hope she wins!

x

can we grow up please

i miss my real friends
not ones who speak in riddles
and think you're out to get them

okay now i'm going to bed

i should really go to bed and stop blogging.
who cares because i need to make a list for myself
tomorrow:
-send out all receipts to parents for income tax return
-start packing my stuff
-find a black dress for the concert on tuesday
-clean my house
-schedule people into the two weeks left so that i may see them before i take off
-take out the recycling
-study guides for theory midterm
-SOLFEGE.
-kareoke fun with dustin

oh and most importantly
move on.
i've done this for way too long, and it's of no benefit to me.
time to prepare for the worst.

two weeks.

2am battle

here are the facts, laid out neatly on the table.
i'm so sick of everything.
and everyone. even though it's not their fault
we all fight over petty things, the obsolete things
because we're afraid of admitting to who we are
instead of resolving the issues, we dump our problems on to others
mask our problems until they've become a mountain
we try to out do one another in everything
we get jealous over things we should be proud of
we hate instead of love
the fruits of doing good are much more satisfying than of the bad
learn to leave your judgments and criticisms at the door
everyone has a story, but no one wants to listen
whatever happened to
COMPASSION

war war war fight fight fight
stop it.

wear me in your eyes

so pure and simple
beautifully connected
crisp and clear
all the details spring to life
in your delicate eyes
from this stolen glance
forming shapes and patterns
staring deep into mine
it fashions a suit waiting to be worn
and in the label it is marked
"home"
but this heart has not reached it
and nor will it
for it will be lost in the distance of decades
perhaps the most i can ever have of you
will be the air that surrounds you
that i inhale into my lungs
wanting never to exhale
because i will never know
when the next time will come
that i may have a part of you with me
but then it escapes
from the parting of my lips
forever to be lost again
just like you

what happened to first place

second best

walk away

he doesn't want her but he just won't let her go

on such a beautiful day

i'm forgetting how to smile
i don't even care
i just want to leave everything

fragments (my life is).

truths.

i'll always be alone
i came here alone, and i'll leave alone
i've been there for them, don't know if they've been there for me
used once, used again
maybe it's how it's meant to be
i never meant to hurt anyone
yet it's all coming back to me
God does crazy things
i can depend on others, but they all leave in the end
all i really have is Him
the worst thing is...
i'll always love you
and remember you
even if you forget about me
but that's ok
because
it's how it was meant to be
and it's horrible because
i see you in everything
i hear you in everything
i feel you in everything
this is a curse
...
but it's how it's meant to be

the hardest part
is to never see you again

but it's how it is meant to be

is this dream a dream

this drink, this poison,
my escape from this reality
my entrance to the world i want to see
for that brief second, pretend it is his love
he holds me, but it's not him
this kiss, it's not his
staring at the wall, feeling nothing at all
don't even look him in the eye
the minutes fade into a haze
before he leaves, he tries to make contact
i'm not here
this didn't happen
this is all a mess
it's all a mess

i lied to myself again

cold cold water, bring me round.

my life would suck without you.
<3

going, going, gone.

i saw you turn your lights out.

there's no where to move on...

i want to be where the sun shines and the air is fresh

I reaaally don't want to go back to Cranbrook.
The thought of isolation, fake people, facades, lonely roadtrips and lost love is leaving a bitter feeling in my heart.
It would only be for four months, but still.
I've met all the people I need right here (minus one)

but that too will come with time...

i hope.

Oh well, I'm going to have some fun tonight with my girls.
Sasha's birthday is tonight... which meaaans:
- laughs
- booze
- dancing
- besties
- boys (?)
- and maybe a night that I won't remember... lol.

oh well, I need to take some photos before my eighteen days of fun are over. I really want to make a scrapbook of my time here!

it's almost five... I should get home and get ready~

eternally

emotional overload...
now sleep.

fuuuuck

mornings lost in a chronic daze

Things here lately here have sooo hectic, but also very fun.
I've been doing a lot of vocal practice... well, sort of. My voice has improved substantially. Teresa said I have awesome pitch and technique.. just that I suck at solfege... I haaate solfege... but I have to do it before I enter second year... ugh. So obviously I have to focus on that before my lesson next Monday. Oh, and I have to finish my analysis of three jazz pieces, and start preparing for our concert which is in two weeks.
My emotional life is slightly improving. I'm getting better at ignoring negativities, and just having fun. I hate being a downer. I should take this attitude when I'm back home. Fuck it all.
Thirdly, there was this Rockband competition sponsored by AMP that came to our school, and umm... yeah we won (I'm such a nerd). On top of that, I got interviewed by Channel 4 news (lol...), got a Rockband t-shirt and toque... and we won the Rockband set. I let the guys have it tho, seeing how I already own one back home. It was there for two days, so I kind of wasted my life hanging out with the AMP guys and playing a lot of video games... I'm such a nerd. Our performance was taped, so it's going to be viewed on facebook to be voted on. If we win a majority of the votes, the top 4 bands will go to Toronto to compete to win 100K. I could totally use all that cash... I've been super broke lately.
Tonight is Saint Patty's day, so I figured I'd get my drink on. Hopefully Elizabeth can get into one of the bars or something. If not, we'll drink on our own, whatevs.
I drank like 3 energy drinks (the AMP guys handed them out for free) so now I'm totally burned out. I should get a nap before we head out and get plastered... on a Tuesday... HA.

xo

you're secretely breaking me

Falling leaves, an autumn breeze,
silly things that the heart cant keep.
Broken down, can't make a sound,
listening in to the off tune beat.

You arrived, and there I cried,
silence lingers on this street.
Look at you, you look at me,
is this how it is meant to be?

Don't look back, don't let go,
we break apart and no one knows.
So secret, just keep it
under wraps, and no one knows.

Summer here, the sky is clear,
I just want you all for me.
Eyes of gold, in which you hold
everything that you want to see.

I break down, I walk around
all the love that had come to be.
Look away, don't say you'll stay
lock it up but don't keep the key.

Don't look back, don't let go,
we break apart and no one knows.
So secret, just keep it
under wraps, and no one knows.

I'll always feel you next to me.
I'll always wish for it to be.

i've failed

i tried to make you proud.
i went out of my way for you to love me again.
i tried to show you that our family IS worth it.
i tried to help you.

i tried to love you again.
and again.
and, again.
each time i tried, you just pushed me further away.

i mended hearts, and you broke them.
i gave you honesty, and you gave me lies.
i woke up with a smile, i went to bed in tears.
i tried to love you again, after all these years.

i guess you'll never try and be my dad.

why now.

what do I do.
all these years of built up frustration, gone within 8 months.
black turned to white,
hearts settled,
the storm had ended,
smiles resurfaced,
light broke through the shadows.

I felt loved. (for once)

but now everything is falling apart again.
he won't listen to us. just them.
i'm exhausted from it all.
i don't know who i am around him.
i'm torn, and so are they.

when will they leave us alone?
when can we finally live?

what do I do?

so, this is it

I'm down to my last month in Nanaimo.
Time just flew by. I learned a lot, met a ton of great people, broadened my horizons.
Got me thinking. Do I really want to go back?
I love my family, I love my friends. I don't even have anything against the people who hate my guts.
I don't do anything to stir up shit, yet things just fire back at me.
I guess being nice isn't what works. Being FAKE is. Thanks for the reality check.
Oh well. I'll go back. But I won't deal with this stuff anymore.
I don't care what people will say about me. It's not that they matter anyways.
I just want to be happy.
I'll make the most out of what I have.

even these words are impossible

I learn my lesson over and over again.
I know what's completely real, and what's not.
But instead I go back to what I thought I wanted.
Can't seem to walk straight and tall when these problems keep tripping me.
I give a smile; I receive a frown.
What a perfect world we all live in.
How can people live when we aren't even comfortable in our own skin.
No judgment from me; no criticisms.
So please, would you just accept me?
As long as you remember to accept yourself.

hold me

it doesn't matter how many guys i meet.
truthfully all i want is you.

can anything else go wrong

growing up before everyone else is a curse.
feels like i'm talking to a brick wall.

don't trick me

There is nothing scarier than finding out your real side.
Nice facade.

loose ends

Funny that everywhere you go you simply cannot escape it.
What once had been secret is now wide in the open.
People are choosing to ignore rather than act.
Many problems could be fixed if people just started giving a damn.
I'm pretty thankful I've met my best friends in this town.
Cut out the bullshit, and voila, life is better.
The dreams I have been receiving lately make me sick to my stomach and deeply troubled.
I'm grateful to have finally connected one-on-one with God, and I keep getting signs of what I should do with my life.
It's nice to have finally tied up all the loose ends.

and it begins

I am shocked to know what the world is coming to.

birds

I love those mornings where I can wake up to the birds chirping outside.
No interruptions.
It gives me so much hope. The birds wake up every morning and sing their sweet song, and then go look for food for themselves and their babies.
Makes me reflect upon those mornings where I can't even get myself out of bed. If they can do it, why can't I?
Just like them, I have no idea what the day will bring: sunny skies, a terrible storm, new things, old things, life, or even death.
No matter what happens, they keep going. I'm sure they sing their songs not only to give hope to all the other animals out there, but even to us. It truly is the song of God.

There is beauty in every corner if we just look hard enough.

if

If freckles were lovely, and day was night,
And measles were nice and a lie warn’t a lie,
Life would be delight, —
But things couldn’t go right
For in such a sad plight
I wouldn’t be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense
But I’d be in suspense
For on such a pretense
You wouldn’t be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
Things would seem fair, —
Yet they’d all despair,
For if here was there
We wouldn’t be we.

-- e.e. cummings

are you kidding me

i don't think i've been this mad in quite some time.
remember: we all started from the same beginning, and we all leave with the same ending.