crazy jane on god

That lover of a night
Came when he would,
Went in the dawning light
Whether I would or no;
Men come, men go;
All things remain in God.

Banners choke the sky;
Men-at-arms tread;
Armoured horses neigh
In the narrow pass:
All things remain in God.

Before their eyes a house
That from childhood stood
Uninhabited, ruinous,
Suddenly lit up
From door to top:
All things remain in God.

I had wild Jack for a lover;
Though like a road
That men pass over
My body makes no moan
But sings on:
All things remain in God.

-- William Butler Yeates

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-- e.e. cummings

ageless beauty

So I'm just hanging out in the comfort of my home today. I cleaned the house, put up my Coldplay poster, and now I'm about to cook dinner. The last couple of days have been really refreshing, so I thought I'd just take a minute to reflect upon them.

I talked to a very special person on Friday. For once in my life, I felt like I could actually connect with someone on such a personal level. I can't tell you how light my shoulders feel after talking about the things that bother me. And in return, he told me some things that literally made my heart break. I feel terrible for him. But I know that events happen for a reason sometimes, and it's made him into such a great human being. There's a sense of peace about him. He's so comforting to have around. I'm so blessed to have him come into my life.

When I would tell him my stories, he listened contently. There was never a moment where I felt that he may be ignoring or judging me. He makes my heart happy. He's beautiful, inside and out. I can't wait to talk to him again. I hope he's doing okay.

Well, I'm going to go prepare dinner. I don't feel lonely anymore.

xoxo

sleep tonight

Wow, today has been reaaally long and frustrating. I have been studying chemistry for a good portion of my day. I was initially supposed to be reading in the library, but then I got hungry, and well buying food from the cafe would not have been a good idea (seeing as I am flat broke). So I booked it home, made some food, cleaned the house, and studied. To take a break from all of that, I made a cute little photo collage on my pin board. I figured I needed to give my space a little bit of life.. it's so bland. And I don't have the money to afford decorative pieces. It's sooo sad.

I just lit some candles, and I'm trying my hardest to relax (who thought that relaxing could take effort?). Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Things didn't go according to plan for school, and I feel like I'm losing focus.

I initially came here to do my math and sciences, but I don't find it very exciting... like, with biology I was actually facinated by learning about the human body and the way organisms live. But with chemistry it's so... bland? I know it SHOULDN'T be... but I'm an arts girl. What can I say?

Whenever Wednesdays and Fridays roll around, I get SUPER pumped. I start the day with music theory, and suddenly the world feels like a better place. You can feel all the positive energy from the music students and teachers. Everyone is sooo happy. It's euphoric. After my Wednesday class ended, I went to the library and read about Bach's life (the teacher didn't mention ANYTHING about him... I just felt like I had to expand my knowledge about such great, facinating people). I learned so much about him. And then I read up on musical modes, and learned how to create scales with them (such as Aeolian... haha). Just BEING in that class makes me wish my parents didn't forget my flute at home! :( It's like a piece of me is missing. Playing the flute always helped calm me down after a really hectic day... and now that I don't have that, I just listen to other floutists play... and I get SO jealous because I want to work harder at it, and become just as good as them. But I'm wasting time without my instrument. Gah...

I really hope I'll be able to participate in the next Baker production because: a) I'll get a ticket home... and see my family and friends... and actually eat some REAL food! b)I'll get to play music again! yaaay! c) Be able to sleep in my OWN bed. I'll have to give Bueckert a call really soon. Hopefully he hasn't picked anyone out yet.

Well, I'm going to jet. I have some more studying to do (aawwwwhhhhhhh) and then i'm going to get some z's... I didn't sleep at all last night. THANK YOU STRESS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

xox

homesick

I so badly want to go home! Aaaah.

my oh my

I honestly can't believe I'm falling. Isn't that a bit odd?
Yikes.

tidy

I miss you too.
Something old is broken,
nobody’s in hell.
Sometimes I kiss strangers,
sometimes no one speaks.
Today in fact
it’s raining. I go out on the lawn.
It’s such a tiny garden,
like a photo of a pool.
I am cold,
are you?
Sometimes we go dancing,
cars follow us back home.
Today the quiet
slams down
gently, like drizzled
lightning,
leafless trees.
It’s all so tidy,
a fire in the living room,
a rug from Greece,
Persian rugs and pillows,
and in the kitchen,
the light
fogged with windows. -- Ralph Angel

i just realized

Sundays are always all about the chores. I got up around 10 because I stayed up way too late talking to a good friend of mine on msn. I really needed someone to just talk to about anything, and have someone make me laugh and make me feel like I'm at home. It was reaaally comforting.

After I woke up, I cleaned the house from top to bottom. I bleached the sink, the counters, the floors, everything. I then lit some candles to make it smell fresh, and studied some chemistry.

I've noticed that I have been eating more... and I think it's because I just sit at home and whenever I study I feel that I "need" something to graze on... I don't want it to become a habit! I think I'm going to give my box of cookies to dan so I won't eat anything that will make me put on weight... argh.

It was really nice to have a day for myself. I realized that I need to stop being so negative towards myself, and start looking at the positive things. Living on my own is an entirely new experience to me, and it's taking me a long time to adjust. It would be easier if I had someone I knew that studied here, but I don't. I can't just go up to some people and strike a conversation, it's out of my comfort zone. But I have to try. I need to get in gear and start making my life more exciting and appreciated. Tomorrow I'm going to head to the library and sign out a few books. ANYTHING to help me focus on myself, and make life here in Nanaimo more enjoyable.

Tonight I need to go buy some groceries. Getting out for a little while would sure be nice.

Tomorrow = more smiles, more studying, more conversations, and more FUN.

xox.

you can do better than me

It's a friday night and I'm at home. It should not be too big of a deal. I actually was enjoying the idea of a peace and quiet, but now I feel like I should get out. Not out of boredom, but because I can't stop thoughts racing through my mind... I hate it when that happens.

I'm feeling stressed out again by everything. I have a huge bill to pay, I still need to get a job, I haven't met too many girlfriends yet... I would love to have some girl time, and I miss so many people from back home. Some weird things happened today that also made me feel worse about myself.

Because I have been deep in thought, I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I honestly believe I'm the most boring person on the face of the earth, and I don't see why anyone would want to be with me. And the guys that do come along don't even meet my standards at all.

Most guys at this age look for only a few things in a girl: how big her breasts are, and if she'll sleep with them. It's disgusting. Not all, but most. And then you get the guys who are amazing and meet ALL of your standards. But then you find out that they have girlfriends. And then you don't know what to do because you feel stupid, because you're sure that they know you like them.

I'm at the point of just giving up on looking for someone. I have a lot to give. But I don't know if I can keep allowing myself to get hurt. I should just accept the fact that I'm a complicated being that will never be understood. I've lost the sense of being "comfortable" around people. Every day is like a new blow to my self-esteem.

One of my friends today said I should go to the bar and make-out with a bunch of guys. I don't think that's going to solve the problem at all. I can't imagine doing that at all. I don't have that kind of mentality. I'm going to say something so incredibly corny right now but it must be said.

I want someone that I can tell anything to. Someone who isn't afraid of talking to me of what is wrong. I want to defend, and be defended by, the person I love. I only want to love ONE person in my lifetime. I want to work on problems that arise in relationships. I want to live every day to its fullest potential. I want to give someone a new out look on life. I want to give someone confidence. When things get really hectic in life, I want to have someone to give me peace. Instead of going out to drink and party, I would rather have a bottle of wine and the person I love in a place of solace. I want the simple things. I want to love.

I wonder how many tests God is going to give me in the next year.

may my heart always be open to little...

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-- e.e. cummings

lovely to see you

I've recently met this amazing guy at school, and literally he has swept me off my feet. I've only known him for about a week, but I'm falling for him sooo fast. Actually, I've already fallen. It's so hard to contain.
However, there is a huuuge problem... I can't have him. For a reason.

Why do complex situations always seem to be in store for me? I finally find someone I like after FOUR years! And then this happens. great.

The really difficult part is that I feel as though he likes me too. I could be wrong and just think he's a really nice guy. But I'm not sure... and I don't want to intrude on anything. I don't even know how to get my head around the situation.

He's so different in so many ways. The little things I notice when I'm around him make him seem so genuine. For example, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he listens and responds, his interests, his intellect, his love for life. Everything.

He even admitted to feeling like a kid still... which is what I feel too! But yet he's so mature. And so kind. He reminds me of someone that I have wanted for a long time now..

I wish I could just tell him how I feel. But I know that would be wrong. There are some moments where I won't even look at him or talk too much because I don't want to do anything stupid. But at the same time I just want to be with him.. I can't stop thinking about him. It's sooo weird. And I can hardly focus.

When I sit next to him I can hardly breathe. I know this sounds SO corny. But it's so true! And when he even looks at me for more than a second I just blush. I feel like a little school girl...

I guess I will see how things go. I know that when the situation begins to turn that I will make the right decision.

I have class with him tomorrow.. .soooo anxious. :(

xx.

my favorite book

and that is why we'll always make it
how i know your face
all the ways you move
you come in
i can read you, you're my favorite book
all the things you say
the way you shift your eyes
i never knew there was someone to make me come alive

black and gold

Don't have much to say.
You just get pulled into that one direction. And you don't fight it.
So glad I took the chance.

end of the week, start of the weekend

Yay, first week of classes are dooone!

Time to go out and just have some fun. Yeooow.

Dancing sounds nice.

xx

airwaves and airlines

I LOVE MY FRIENDS BACK HOME

thanks for listening.

xox

i just want to spread love

My friend Brandon and I had some pretty interesting discussions today. We were talking about how the world has been changing, and it's not changing for the better. Mainly our topic focused on the issue of relationships (friendships, family, and personal).

It seems as though in this day and age everyone is out to hurt someone. It may be intentional, or unintentional (mainly through misunderstandings), but there are very few who try to work on or solve the problem that's causing the doubt, misery, pain, or sadness.

Many people now are not trying for a meaningful, personal relationship. Many seek a physical alternative rather than the emotional one. They lose out on the people who might have actually cared about them. It's a bitter fall. Those candidates who are wanting someone to love for their entire lives are being pushed into the corner, or instead they change themselves to fit in with society. We are losing who we are as individuals.

People are not willing to be themselves. I know that I genuinely love myself for who I am. I have my own morals and beliefs, and if people are uneasy about it, that's their problem.
Another problem that's arising is the lack of support from peers or friends for the people who are having problems in life. I hear a lot of people say that they would "rather not get involved" with an issue because they fear retribution from other non-supporters. I know that many people are like me, but it breaks my heart when I see someone suffering. And I feel worse when I don't do anything to help them. I don't have a heart of stone.

This conversation started when I talked to Brandon about my fears. I'm terrified of being hurt emotionally. I give people so much sometimes that it's draining. When it comes to the opposite sex, I worry that he will not respect the choices that I make for myself. From experiences that I've gone through, I've created a mindset that focused on loving just one person. I want to love someone for who they are. And I want someone to love me as well. I want to work on problems and strengthen a relationship. But people get scared by one word: commitment. I want to commit to someone. But do you know how hard it is to find that kind of being?

xx

starlings

Today is the first day of college here in Nanaimo!
Hahaha... yes I am actually excited for a change. I can't wait to see all the different things VIU offers compared to the College of the Rockies. there are many extra curricular activities, so I'm going to explore my options and join things that will help keep me occupied.
I only have one class today which is chemistry. No labs for this week, which is perfect. I'll be able to get my things organized and possibly party a tad with some new people!

Well I'm off to get ready... I should get there early so I can see where my classes are located.

ciao, xox.