sorry, your ticket has expired.

why is it so far from being over.

all our rust.

i still can't believe that this wall is real.

can you see it.

the see-saw effect: for a certain period of time everything is perfect, but then eventually it all crumbles and i'm back to square one...

like a see-saw this entire month has shifted under my feet. i go through the emotional patterns, starting with anger, to sadness, to neutrality and then finally to acceptance.

it's a ride i'm happy to have conquered... again. sometime or another it will repeat itself. the ugly side of life shows its face, and it won't leave until i'm battered and bruised.

and then i'm left in despair. despair is the WORST part of life! that little voice inside of you that says you're alone. eventually i'll give into that voice, accept what isn't true. with loneliness follows insecurity. a feeling of self-loathing.
it eats at me while i'm alive and breathing. i'm carrying out the normal functions of a human-being, but i don't feel anything at all.

broken down, over and over and over again.

it doesn't last forever. for what had seemed like an eternity finally comes to the victorious conclusion. all of my self-realization flies through the window and hits me square in the head.

"how stupid of me" are the words that shout out from the hidden corners in my mind.

all that despair disappears far, far away. i've pushed it out. all that matters is now, and i'm here in the now. i'm fully awake.

i'm not angry or confused. i'm done questioning the "what if's".
i'm actually really happy, and excited for everything! no matter how horrible it could be...

i'll take it all. the good, the bad, and the ugly.
nothing is perfect, so don't imagine it to be.

you can make any situation in life full of happiness if you truly desire it..

xo

too.much.baggage.

i'm angry.

not just a little bit angry, i'm livid.
to start things off, i'm unbelievably mad at myself. for everything. for what i have put myself through. for all my 'patience'. for everything i've done, and the things that i haven't.
i'm beyond tired, and i'm carrying way too much baggage.
i'm annoyed, and i'm sick of complaining. but i do, because there is no other way of venting. but i only vent to myself because no one is willing to listen.
if there was somewhere that i could go, and never see anyone again, i'd go there in a heartbeat.
i just don't care anymore. i've had enough.

i'm ready to say good bye.

i don't see it.

living with a blanket over my head.

godddddddddddddddddd.

yeah, umm ok.
i've lost like 10 lbs, and they still think i'm still fat.
fuck. my. life.
maybe i should just starve myself again. no one likes a fat girl

it's 1965.

today was my first shift at the guilded goat. it went really well!
I'm just grateful for finally receiving a job. the recession is taking a toll on everyone, and it's making me really worried about tuition. i'll probably have to work during school, which isn't a problem... but finding a job is.
anyways, today is good, and i think i'm going to practice music and then go for a walk.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow because my cousin Paul is coming to town, and we're going to have fun! tiana is joining us, which is going to be hilarious.

i feel a lot better.

xo

cast me.

pulled from this body to the magic
i wander over and examine its grace
circle, zig zag, pause.
eyes droop with such charm
and the sound turns into a knot, unrecognizable from before
i'm living in a buffet

interruption
i'm still here.

it's in the sparkle.

I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.

I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.

- s.t.

you giggle in your sleep.

gosh...
i love grass
and sand
birds, bees, butterflies
smiles and see-saws
piggy-backs, baby kittens
1-2-3-4-5... too much
cuddles and tickles
too, too much.

tuxedo cat.

saturday happenings:
i was hoping for a bout of sunshine; unfortunately the clouds have taken over, so the shorts will have to wait.
i received a phone call from mark today. he is back for today from calgary, and i'm excited to see the kid! video games and drinking is in order, heehee.
then i get to see tiana. don't know exactly what we're going to do, but we'll figure something out.
might turn out to be like the adventures of jackie and i... which would be amazing.
yay for days of "laze".

also, I landed a job. finally.

x

sweet sweet serenity.

nothing is here.
hovering past this landscape
the sound of your breath and the whirring
of air passing us by
floating upwards and downwards
green, blue, gray
and the gold that has been cast to the floor
sweet serenity -
only you and me
nothing is here.

better things.

i finally get it.

i haven't really changed much since i was a kid. i've always had an open ear for anyone, even if it's a complete stranger talking to me. always trying to soak up as much information like a sponge.
it's still the same. i never realized this before, but when i do talk to someone, anyone, i always put myself in a position where i'm lower than that person unknowingly.
my mom taught us important values while growing up. one being ego, how too much of it can ruin a life. i've made it a goal for myself to rid ego from my life.
if i make a major accomplishment, i can never be proud of myself. i always owe it to the higher power that's there. i don't think that anything is mine, really. even wisdom is something that isn't my own.
anyways, back on topic, because i put myself in a lower position, i have ended up meeting amazing people. i've been able to get through to so many people. it's shocking. even some people who are thousands of miles away, who i've never met before, i've been gifted in changing their lives... and i don't owe it to myself, as mentioned before.
it's just unusual. it's like, i meet people, help them, and then move on. i never really have a set group of friends, i'm almost like a drifter.
it's super cool though. my life is a lot less boring than it used to be. everyday is full of surprises, and i'm never ready for them, lol.

anyways, i'm off.

x

push yourself away from your one best friend.

i'm touched. never seen your face before, yet i feel as though i've known you forever.
i've learned a lesson or two.
i don't get why it's so rare.

the reeling.

i love life.

join the revolution.

kimberley we are change truth movement up now:

www.wearechangekimberley.ning.com

sketch? omg so sketch.

friday night was a blast.
hung out with jackie, went for a walk with grape gin slurpies... made it to misty's, met up with jaymes, danced to the best dj ever... saw two fights in one night... not so cool, and then walked and talked on the way home with our new good friend roberto.
i had a lot of fun.

today i had my first street action! i met up with brad, and we set up our banner and supplies where marysville days was held. the turnout wasn't so good... had 3 people who wanted to hear what we were about. we sent them off with a ton of information.

and then the rain came.

we were there from 10-130. had a lot of interesting conversations, and sparked some new ideas for future street actions. i'm grateful for this.

now my legs hurt a ton (because of all the walking last night, and then standing around for 3 hours) and my brother's friends are over for his birthday celebration.

i'm off to do the dishes.
xo

bit by bit.

how can one person make another feel so small and unworthy.

it is so difficult for me to even be myself. i am myself though, all the time. fact is, i'm too nice and caring, and it's these traits that make me get walked on, all the time.

when i do get my head on right, and i defend myself, people then suddenly don't want to be near me. they view me as a threat. i guess nowadays sticking up for yourself is the "no-no" in such a selfish society.

we've forgotten how to bond with one another. we're all individualistic. we all worry about ourselves. when we fall down, we go to someone to help us back up. and then when the pain passes, that person that helped you is forgotten, until you need it again.

it's all about self-gratification. we party to hide our real selves, we drink to forget our problems, we stick with fake friends because we think we can't get any better, we have one night stands because real love has been forgotten. we pass our problems on to other people instead of fixing what's there.

people think i'm crazy. that i should go to a councellor. i'm not though. i'm a big enough woman to try and DEAL with my problems. i've made my mistakes though. i've tried getting help from others to help me. people don't want to hear the brutal reality of someone's life. we always want to pretend it's not there. maybe this is why our society has so many issues, and why the media is there to console us. fuck.

i'm not crazy. and i'm not stupid. i speak the facts. people hate it.
if you can't deal with me, then don't talk to me. but in the end, if you have a problem, i'll help you with it. because i don't want to fall prey to the curtain. and if you can get back up and do the same for someone else, then we can finally offer hope for the well-being of society.

write what you know.

who ever knew.

past that perfect smile
and perfect posture
past your confident walk
and simple gestures
you're just as broken and frail as anyone else
and still seeking complicated answers

cousinly love.

high fives to me homie Paul D
because he's the shit.

picture this.

what a strange dream
everything that i want, compiled together
all seem to be working together
but some things are unbalanced
and others unsure
all i can say is
i'm ready for anything
the picture may not be perfect
but it's a work of art in the making

a little this, a little that.

current state of mind + gratitude list + inspiration =
optimism.

ANS - not being able to frolick in the sunshine =
optimism waiting to be applied.

a fine line.

real silence lies outside the front door
wrapped within the sun's rays and humid air
the scent of new blossoms and freshly cut grass
at peace with everything and everyone
the pulse begins to slow down
walk in the direction of the sun, the shadows follow you
walk away, and you're suddenly following the shadows
it's neither ugly nor pretty,
sweet or sour
captured within the eye of the beholder
in this collective, simplistic harmony
that we are all attuned to.

day 4.

wooo.
starting to look more normal (and less chipmunk)
hopefully i'll be able to go out in the next couple days.