day 3.

omg, i look like a chipmunk.
so, for the last 3 days i have been living off of pudding, freezies, cold soups, tons of water, T3's and penicillin (that makes me super sick).
great life.
i've probably lost about 5 lbs (i'm not complaining about this part at all), but i look like a mess. it's hard to sleep, when fluids are constantly moving about your face (so sick), and a sharp pain stabs you every 15 seconds. gosh.
i'm not a happy camper, that's for sure. but it's totally brought out more of my creative side.
i learned to play keane's bedshaped on the piano. just about perfected the entire song, then, when my face finally heals up, i'll sing on top of it, and record it.
yay me.
it's such a beautiful day out. i would love to have been on the beach right now, but that won't happen.

i just want to be normal again. and do normal things. and eat normal food, haha.
oh welllllllllllllllllllllll.

xbox game time. looooooooooool

never again!

okay. so, because i usually get into unusual situations, let's just say that my wisdom teeth extraction was terrifying.

everything was going well. he was cracking my left bottom tooth, when suddenly a huge stream of blood squirts out of my mouth and everyone starts panicking. the doctor is literally yelling at the assistant for gauze, and she took about 15 seconds to grab it, meanwhile this huge stream just keeps going.
i cried.
turns out the root was right above the jaw artery.
the feeling of warm blood filling up your entire mouth is the strangest feeling ever. he later said that if he did try to remove the root i would need a blood transfusion. fml.
the procedure was intended to be about 30 min. i was in there for an hour and a half.
now i'm in a tremendous amount of pain (waiting for the T3 to kick in) and scared to death that my artery will act up again.

ugh. never again. thank god i only had two.

the world is wrapped around my finger (who knew).

i feel like i've made it to the end of the rainbow
and instead of gold and rubies
i've found open hearts and enchanting smiles
and this feeling
i've felt it before
but this time
it's entirely brand new.

all i had to do was...

j
u
m
p

x

poetry is in the air.

tomorrow = wisdom teeth removal = i am a wimp.

also.

things are looking up.

aaand...

i'm going to go eat a mango.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

woo!

Gosh, I feel great!
Woke up about 25 min ago, and soon I'll head out for a bike ride.
Lots to do today! There are some new pieces I need to practice on the piano, some vocal practice, theory review, job hunting, dentist appointment (wisdom teeth soon to be removed... blargh), coffee date, make dinner, go for a run, hang with the fam... and anything else that happens to swing my way.
All-in-all, I guess I feel, well, more balanced! This meditation thing is working its charm.
Who cares about the past. What matters is everything in the now.

Well, I best get ready and hit the hills.

x

sun in the sky, you know what i mean.

woke up to a great day.
i took the bike out around 9 and went up the highway to kimberley. it was so refreshing. the sun was out, the temperature was perfect, and it was pretty quiet. did about fourty minutes worth, and then on the way back, i realized the battery cover for my phone had fallen off. great.
it's not that big of a deal... i can get the replacement part from ebay for about a dollar... whatever.
i then went home, made some tea and hung out with my mom.
there was this game my bro bought that i really wanted to play, so i did. it's called fallout 3... it's about how the human race blew itself up and a few people lived in underground vaults. it's set in the year 2077. played about an hour of that, then went for a nap.
turns out my hour nap went for two hours. i was woken up by my brothers coming home from work/school, so i bummed around with them.
i'll probably go practice my music in a bit, and then phone up some friends. nothing too eventful to report.

tomorrow calls for warm weather, another bike ride, a coffee date, job hunting and anything else to keep myself occupied.

love, always.

dreary monday.

alright.
i woke up at 6. had some greens, did my laundry, texted katie, practiced music...
was planning on a bike ride. but guess what... it's going to rain. go figure.
so now i just feel reaaally gross. I think i've gained some weight back (to put it bluntly, yeah, i feel super fat)... that birthday week sure added up... ugh.
so now i'm back to my no-sugar routine. works like a charm... if only the weather would co-operate with me i'd be happy.
i'm thinking of heading into town to see katie bear. don't know what we'll end up doing. the idea of a run (once again) fell through, so i think we're just going to kick back and relax...
might be able to swing by and see tiana for a couple hours.

things to do tonight:
organize things
practice things
watch a movie with mom
hang with the brothers.

oh, also, i'm happy to mention i've decided to stop smoking (i am not a chain smoker... i hardly smoke... but in the last two weeks, the number of smokes i've had boggles the mind)...

one more thing: i highly recommend watching the movie, The Secret... amazing.

heres to shitty weather.

there is a sparrow living outside of our shed.

Saturday (how surprisingly uneventful):
woke up to a friend's phone call
had a traditional east-indian breakfast
played with my little brother (but he's so tall now, how can I call him little anymore :( )
learned to play Tonight by Stars on the piano
sat in my room, a little sad (i'm going backwards in life right now)
barely held a conversation with my father
phone chat with tiana (always makes my heart bubble)
recorded myself playing Tonight
online conversations, movie downloads (the secret), meditation charts
earl gray tea :D
blogging...

tomorrow = the following... :
bike ride with the birds
conversation with my mother (how i adore her)
meditation (i feel spiritually deprived lately)
hang out with tiana ( <3 )
bro-time
and anything else that makes others, and myself, happy.
oh i know... i should start drawing again (best representation of anything that does or does not matter)
time with God (always.)

reflections:
i never want to grow up.
energy is such a powerful thing.
love and be loved (and isn't that just the key to solve everything)
i want to sit in the sun... and do nothing at all.
being sad sucks.

gives me wings.

you are my sunshiiine
my only sunshiiine

you know who you are, lovely !

juggling act.

what i've encountered since coming back home.
people who try to act like they're better than you
people who still treat you like a kid
people who still say shit behind you're back when you're not watching
people who are afraid to grow up
people who can chat your ears away with their problems. not a big deal, you're helpful so you help them. but when it's your turn they are no where to be found
people who still LIE

i could go on. let's face the hard facts.
i am who i am. people who do compare themselves to you obviously still haven't learned to just be themselves (come on, everyone else is already taken. be original)
purging some people out of my life has just made things so much lighter.
thank god.

don't move.

pieces of me are scattered everywhere
wish i could put myself back together but i'm lost
where to even begin.

bullshit.

life lessons for this week:

- immaturity can manifest itself into someone in many ways. trick of the trade is to just not go along with it.
- control is all part of insecurity. take away the control, and you're free.
- some boys think that they can have it all. funny, because you're the last thing I'd want.

i'm glad i've opened my eyes and realized all i have to offer. i have nothing to worry about.

ha.

missing logic.

when the fuck did vengeance ever sustain a friendship?
and how can you love someone when you constantly live in denial?

get over yourself.

we're all one.

it's time to realize that we're all part of one big plan
every action creates a chain-reaction
i am you and you are me
channeling energy into every aspect of life
connecting to everyone in a different way
and pushing you on the path you're on
nothing happens by coincidence
if energy is neither created nor destroyed...
where exactly do we go?
we're all fragments of God
colliding and repelling infinitely...
where time never did and never will exist.

beautiful.

seize the day.

random quote of the day:

"If you know the truth, for the betterment of humanity, and for the prosperity of all man-kind, you have an obligation to share it."
-- unknown.

I attended my first Kootenay Truth meeting last night, and I met only 3 of the participants..
yep. only three.
I was blown away. The group has been meeting for about 3 years now, and only three people have stuck with it.
I met up with Barb's brother Brad, and two other members Theo and Jason. They are quite the friendly, yet very serious, kind of people.
We got down to business. I learned about how the group came about, and their many fascinating stories regarding past protests. We also discussed the more major topics like Bill C-6/Codex, depleted uranium, natural health, and fluoride.
We're all compiling facts together and preparing them to be presented to the public at our next gathering. I'm hoping to set one up here in Marysville for the Marysville Daze event that is scheduled to be in the first week of June.
They sent me off with a bunch of readings and dvd's, so I have a lot to learn before my first event... i'm a bit nervous, but really excited.

After the meeting I headed out with some girls and went to the bar. I don't think I'll ever go there again. Some things just never change...
thankfully I had another epiphany. And I've learned new bits of wisdom.

that is all, folks.

things i hate.

DENIAL.

what you make so obvious.

this part of you is something i'm not used to
but i won't close my eyes, they're on to you

remember the cause.

i don't want to share you
please don't say goodnight

leave me with the birds.

it is so perfect and pure
entrancing me in this feeling so utterly divine
leading me into something completely unknown
walking weightlessly with this pulse of life
lifting me higher and higher

come down they say
come down
the static buzzing within my ears
thoughts are murmuring within my mind
"but, why?"
it's much too beautiful up here
i'm much too happy up here
the sun is rising, gently reminding me this:

i am free.

smorgasboard.

new loves:
skateboarding (WTF... i know)
spinach and strawberry smoooothies
kool-aid and vodka (haha)
global deejays
fresh faces and refreshing smiles
childhood.

oh and i dropped five.
no.big.d.

life is good.

by the way, i could use some hollywood in my life right about now (...hint hint-uh!)

bruises heal, your words won't

time is coming to a complete standstill
i'm not going forwards, or backwards
my vision has been shrouded
my lips have been sealed
fear is paralyzing every part of my heart and soul
and all i can do now is have faith
that one day,
everything will work out
and that everything will be okay

when will time start for me again

daily greens

thursday thursday
which means tomorrow will be friday... which means i'll have some fun.

today i got up and did the usual thing. had breakfast, got dressed, researched some more music stuff/things, and then went out to job hunt.
goood news. there's one place that might hire me... but i'm not going to say where... i don't want to jinx it (i'm not superstitious, but you never know). my fingers are crossed.

i then went home to just chill. i had a pear, and added up all the debt i have (cell phone bills, laptop, midi interface, etc...) which was like a punch in the gut.
my little bro then came home, and he and i tried to assemble our new blender (sounds silly... I know... ). we had problems because the dispenser thingy was not built properly. we gave up; however, we could still blend things which was awesome.
i made a delicious spinach and strawberry smoothie, and i'm good to go. i'm so happy i've been eating properly since i've come back. i don't think i could ever go back to eating junk food... that's in the past...

i think the days for me are becoming even worse. this place is a dead-end. the more i'm outside or away from home the happier i am. i don't even know who to blame really.
i just can't deal with this for much longer.

i am fueled

i am searching for that place
that place where boundaries do not exist
it's the place where passion fuels hearts
and it is these hearts that set out to set other hearts ablaze
making each and every moment
for each and every person
memorable.

together, you and i, juxtaposed
you have what i have, and i have what you have
every man, woman, and child
so don't hide it
but share it.

let your colours bleed through
i can feel my soul on fire
and i know it's burning through you

don't hold back

follow your heart.

lub-dub

hopscotch

whatever happened to the old childhood favorites...
such as:
- pogs!
- the cartoon show Doug
- POKEMON (yeah, whatever judge me)
- Dragonball Z (just watched Gohan defeat Cell... uhh-mazing)
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- playing tag (now it's all about little girls being barbies and guys playing video games...)
and many more.

it's sad! I miss those days.

tune in to that frequency

it's a good day becaaause...
i finally got my midi keyboard working
more resumes are ready to go, and i'd better wow people with it
basement is almost set up, yah yah!
eating better, eating healthier
maybe a date with tiana tonight (God I love her)
going to go for a run
much more alone time

and most importantly, i've learned to not over-think things
makes life mucho easier

on a sidenote: my iPod headphone jack seems to have stopped working correctly. how lame.

hours to days, days to months

okay. time to get real (like I haven't been real enough lately)
i'm getting rid of my facebook. it's such a waste of time, and people can just reach me via e-mail or phone if they really need to.
i'm finally being responsible with my life. many hours have been poured into studying music, and it's going to be like this until i'm satisfied with what i can do (haha. i'll never be satisfied. i'm too picky)
i've let go of tons of people, and it's really sad right now. but it'll pass. i really need to go outside and enjoy things. i've been stuck in the house for the last few days just because i've been so depressed. but life has to go on.
as much as i love my friends, i don't think i'll be seeing many this summer. i'm not happy with myself at all. and i don't think it's right to be such a downer around them, spreading around sadness.
things with my father won't ever improve, so i've just accepted it. it really, really hurts. however, if he can't accept me, then that is just how things go i suppose. this is def. the most painful thing in my life.
hopefully by the time the summer is over, i'll be much more happier. more patient. more understanding. and less naive.
i am really, really trying.
pray for me.

soul food

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

-- unknown.

i'm channelling the universe inside of me

These last three days have been so intense. Wow.

Last night was pretty nuts. I got a phone call from Connor and I haven't talked to the guy in two months. Just as things are messed up on my end, things for him aren't too different. He and I have been best friends for 6 months, so when we stopped talking it was really hard.
We talked for about an hour, and it helped clear up so many things. It sucks when your entire support network live miles and miles away. I hope things improve for him as well.
One thing is for certain: I can't wait to get out of here. It's nothing but a dead-end for me. I have some good friends here too, but of course they too are leaving soon.
If there is anything i've learned in two weeks, it is responsibility.
I'll admit. My year in Nanaimo was a blast. I met amazing people, had only three course that consisted of music, drank more than I should have, done things I probably shouldn't have... but it was great. I learned so much about myself, and others. It even got to the point where I completely forgot about my well-being and poured all my energy into helping others.
That sort of thing just tires you out.

When I returned home, I got slapped in the face by reality. I realized how unbalanced I was, and how many things I needed to purge out of my life.
It wasn't easy. I think I'm a bigger mess than before.
But, like so many friends have said, you can't learn without going through the tough stuff first. Even if it means risking everything you have.
Now that everything makes sense, I can finally sort out the bigger things. I've been pretty down, but I know eventually I'll look back at all this and it will have been nothing.
I talked to Paul today, too. We talked about how amazing September will be, and I'm sooo excited! I'll be in the vocal/flute program, playing some gigs downtown, hanging out with the people who have made such an impact on me, and most importantly, loving every bit of it.
The key is to survive the summer. I've been reviewing all my theory and practicing on the keyboard for at least 2 hours everyday. Haven't been able to get in any vocal practice (because there is no where to do that in this house... ), but when the basement clears up it will fall into place.

I'm excited about life.

p.s. i'm obsessed with the new depeche mode album. I relate to it in so many ways. I love it.

policy of truth

who knew i'd make the biggest mistake of my life.
i regret it, even though you shouldn't live life with any regrets.
i'm so stupid.
i want it all to just go away and forget everything that ever happened.
i'll never understand, and instead live with this for the rest of my life.
big, big mistake. and of course, it turned out one sided, just exactly what i had feared.
i didn't even get to fully explain anything (how can you when there isn't even a certain level of understanding)
i know i wasn't wrong. how could i have been so stupid?
i think i'm ready to go back to nanaimo and never come back

i'm not even making any fucking sense