i'm still talking about elbow.

Yeah, they really are badass.
And I too would be smiling that big if I was surrounded by a full on orchestra. Guy, I want your life!

stitches of fire.

Our weathered broken bones
Rattle with each heart beat
What is it you want to say
Before it all crumbles

I remember when you ripped open the sky
And let the stars rain down
Shining over heavy heads
Bursting with magnetic light

This time I’lltake your side
Just promise youll be mine
In threads of woven flesh
And stitches of fire

H_______rk___m__l

we still believe in love, so fuck you.

lately, I've immersed myself in music by a band named Elbow. i stumbled across their music last year by chance, and am still in the process of exploring their records.
their one song, Fugitive Motel, captured me instantly!
their creativity with distortion, orchestral decorations, and electronic effects creates a story-like sound.
check them out if you can!

"...I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." Nelson Mandela (Invictus)

I do believe in fate; however, I also believe in the power of choice.

don't smoke in bed.

one of my faves, ms Nina Simone.

turn on the light.

my head's going back and forth
from shaking the world off
and these ripped up floor boards
is when i broke through the chains

i'll fly through that window
and hold your smiling face
illuminating the heavy night
with nothing else but warm sunlight

___----H.

eyepennies.

"The tortured artist myth is rampant. People paint me as some kind of black witchcraft-practising devil from hell, that I have to be twisted and dark to do what I am doing. It's a load of rubbish". -pj harvey.

00100011100010010000100100100111100101010100

I don't know where I'm going
half aware of where I've been
with whistles shouting alarm calls
from the mistakes I've stepped upon
remedy the noise of panic
with the calls of angels
for soon my friends
it will be long enough
h___ark_a__ma l

late september, october, november, december

siiiick track: My Beautiful Leah - PJ Harvey

preserved in passion.

a memento from a stranger opened the door to another me. tatters, tears and stitches ignited a spark of ambition and trust. two minds set their brilliance free into a final destination unknown. their words were spoken through their art portraying the "now" of their lives. the destination, held by friendship, proved exciting and exhilarating. the past merged with the present, creating the future.

har k am al

theyoutharestartingtochange.

timbre.

slammed doors
voices inching through floors
buzzing mercilessly round my head
and i can't take no more

pry my fingers
from the lost souls
tearing apart knowledge
seeking shelter from the storm

so goodnight
so goodnight

its in the frequency.

somewhere down the line, all things will be complete.

life in technicolor.

past all this warm fuzz
i see something beautiful

in five.

through vacant empty hands
you hold what's left of you
and in time, sometime
some way will see you through

so break free from your container
that holds nothing but remorse
and grab what's ahead of you
and spread your lovely chorus

of life.

-harkamal.

all my life.

All my life I’ve been searching for something
Something never comes, never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies, but I’m getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope

holes.

every rip, every tear, every dent
let it shine, shine through.

5:38

pulled out from the roots and thrown out, we speed through life like birds crossing the highway.

anyone can play guitar.

destiny, destiny protect me from the world
destiny, hold my hand protect me from the world
here we are with our running and confusion
and i don't see no confusion anywhere

tick tock.

you never realize how special something is until it's gone.

tiny jars.

and i do my best impression of weightlessness, now too
and i might be wrong, i might be wrong, i might be wrong
but honey i believed i could
float away daringly
i'm just the same but brand new to you

i fucking love her.

St. Vincent (Anne Clark)

Philip K. Dick

"Reality, to me, is not something that you perceive, but something you make. You create it more rapidly than it creates you."

we're all the same.

Last night, I picked up a distraught, scared, shaken woman from downtown. At first, I drove by her, questioning whether or not I should stop for her. After driving for a bit, my guilty mind set in, and I turned around to go get her.
As I approached her, I noticed she was shaking terribly, and had tears streaming down her face. I rolled down my window and asked her if she needed a ride.
Relief washed over her face, and she quickly said yes.
As she was fastening her seatbelt, I asked her if everything was alright. She was shaking terribly from the cold, so I cranked up the heat. Her voice was trembling as she told me her story of her abusive boyfriend, and how a decision she made quickly ruined her life. She never got into details, just worded everything to the point.
I didn't want to intrude further into her life, but having a general gist of the situation, told her that everything will be okay, and that things can turn themselves around if you just believe.
She calmed down, turned to me and said "thank you". I was concerned about her safety, and asked if she had a safe place to go. She said yes, but I had doubts in my mind.
We arrived to her destination shortly, and as she was exiting the vehicle, she turned to me and said,"Thank you for the ride, and for being so kind." I made sure she was inside her house before leaving, and she waved goodbye.
After spending a short time with Tracy, I realized that all anyone could ask for in life, is to feel like a person.

reading week.

i have songwriting fever!

the brutal, honest, simple truth.

i have to clean up my act.
no more tears, no more excuses.

happy v-day.

spins.

another day.

the secret.

"...trust the universe."

WHAT AM I.

Bahahahha! such a gem: CLICK HERE.

MBF. city fun .

mbf.... and those pajamas.

the weekend in vancouver was such a blast. i really needed some time out of nanaimo with some sweet peeps and new peeps!
on saturday, liz, ty, syd and i grabbed the 10am ferry into van. we then were greeted by my charming cousin paul, and were dropped off on granville st. tyler taught us a thing or two about great coffee, and took us to the best coffee shop in the city! Elysian is the name, and it really is the best coffee i've ever had. ty, who also works at a coffee shop, kindled a friendship with the owner, and then we received a twenty minute speech about various coffee's, undertones, equipment, etc. we also tried a sample of kenyan coffee. the experience now makes me shake my head in shame at tim's and buck's. seriously, if you ever get a chance to try a real thick latte with no sugar... do it. it will change your life!
yeah i got excited. now that we had gotten our buzz on (literally), we eyed the fresh slice restaurant, and demolished slices of pizza for a buck sixty! so goood. we then grabbed the bus to ubc.
tyler introduced us to his INCREDIBLY good looking friend brandon, who gave us a little tour of the campus. man, if i went to school in ubc i would never get any work done. i skip so much school here... i would probably never get anything accomplished there. ubc is super pretty compared to nanz bonanz, but we do have a sweeter jazz program fo sho!
the boys left us to study and be lame, so liz and i went to the pit pub to meet up with mbf and his crew! we got there as soon as the rehearsal was ending, so we stood idly by and watched everyone.
SO MANY GLARES FROM VARIOUS BIOTCHES. like holy. if eyes were daggers...
the rehearsal had ended, and then i finally got to meet mbf himselllf! nicest person ever! and i coudln't get enough of his red cardigan!
liz already knew the lyrics to the songs, so syd and i had to learn them two hours before the show. some chick named angie was the woman's conductor... but she doesn't know how to teach at all! it was super frustrating...
so to calm our nerves we all order pitchers of beer! the boys show up, and we all start drinking. by now the pub is packed with students and non-students, and we're stoked! we put on our white outfits, and headed up on stage.
we drunkenly sang!! ahaha. after the last song, we all had to run into thep it and get people to jump around! it was aweeesome.
jackie and paul met up with us after the performance to join us in some drinking festivities. we got our last minute drinks at the campus pub place... and then went to mcdonalds for a snack attack... ughhh such a bad idea!
we then followed will up to his place for a gathering. while people were still up and drinking, i was way too tired, so i decided to pass out on his comfy couch in front of the fireplace... so comfy!
the next day we went for breaky with will and his friend ross downstairs, then met up with syd, and went on a tour of vancouver. the olympics stuff is up and running, so we decided to have our own little photo op with the set ups.
we got home around ten at night... soooo tired!
next weekend we get to go back to van and party with paul for the olympics! ee! i am so stoked!

february blues.

where is the sunshine.

ordinary world.

but i won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow i have to find
and as i try to make my way
to the ordinary world
i will learn to survive.
- duran duran

victoria.

So, the trip to Victoria was amazing. Not only did I meet other musicians, I got the opportunity to talk to some very talented writers and artists.
The party was held for Colin's good friend Nick, who is an accomplished writer, and was held to celebrate the fact that his novel is being edited by a very prestigious publishing company.
We also were kind of celebrating for Colin too. If all goes well, he will be working for a producer that has worked with Billy Talent, Coldplay, Avril Lavigne, and a few other famous bands. I am so excited for him.
A good buddy of his brought over a keg to start the night, and people began to enter in swarms. There were quite a few musicians, so Colin and I had to wait until 1am to play our tunes. We played Blue Bossa, My Funny Valentine, My Romance and Lover Man (and no it wasn't themed... we just picked at random). We then invited Nick up to sing "I'm Just a Gigalo". It was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
I also met a classical pianist who was absolutely mind-blowing. She played a Cantata by Bach, and a piece created by a canadian composer. She and I talked about school and how she too went through the phase of not playing anything for a few years. She had a ton of great advice and has motivated me to pick up the flute again.
And Margooo! Awee, another really cool person. Her personality floooored me. Very kind hearted and humble, and soooo fun.

Colin and I got back today around 3 to run the university stairs with some friends. We ran them three times, and I thought I was going to die. And now he just helped me work out my complex-meter keyboarding test I have to do tomorrow. Why do I leave things at the last minute? Ugh.

So that's my little recap. I'm going to beeeed.

don't stop me now.

today must have been one of the laziest days i've had in months. aside from going to the store to pick up some dish soap and oranges, i've wasted the day by watching futurama, playing grand theft auto, and hanging out with colin.
the next few weeks are about to get much busier. on the 30th, colin and i are heading to victoria to play a gig. we've encorporated a few standard jazz tunes, and a silly tune "i'm a just a gigalo" (yup, defs colin's pick). elizabeth is coming along as well, and we're going to meet a group of writers, musicians and artists. following the gig will be drinks on the house, and a whole lot of partying!
i am also really excited about the band that gillian and i are putting together. gillian and i have really similar taste in music, so we've started compiling ideas together to get a feel of where things could go. it's been really cool using the looping pedal to layer vocal harmonies, percussion, piano and guitar. we meet every tuesday, and it's always an amazing time.
on feb 6th, liz and i are heading to vancouver to sing backup vocals for Michael Bernard Fitzgerald. michael is a rising musician, and his music sounds kinda like jason mraz. check him out: http://www.michaelbernardfitzgerald.com/ it will be a great opportunity to build connections and kinda see how the music biz works. and following this will be partying! wahoo.
annnd aside from all the fun stuff is keyboard, theory, and computers homework. i've skipped a few classes this past week to listen to new albums and create new stuff... meh. music school is too structured anyway.
maybe this week i should attend all my classes...

i am who i am.

fake light from the sun (fiction plane)

fake light from the sun
it's driving me mad
it's poisoned our good name

somebody said
the sky's turning red
no one can be trusted

i want you to know that the sky's full of wires

fake light from the sun
it's all in my mind
your nature is so kind
this water tastes bitter
when i have been fooled
your absence is so cruel

pfx.

i died and came back to life today after watching the Pink Floyd Experience live.
so beautiful. and when Hey You came on, i forgot where i was!
such a great night.

(recurring theme)

slipped through my fingers.

karma.

don't judge me, you could be me in another life, in another set of circumstances.

new choices.

re-organizing my life.

lost at sea.

i don't think i've ever felt so alone.

a thousand years.

a thousand years, a thousand more,
a thousand times a million doors to eternity
i may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times
an endless turning stairway climbs
to a tower of souls
if it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
the towers rise to numberless floors in space
i could shed another million tears, a millions breaths,
a million names but only one truth to face

life and times.

severed ties. broken strings.
and a heart that won't beat.

fragile as the moment.

if you could see the world
through my eyes
you would see everything
just as it's meant to be.

falling slowly.

take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time
raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
you'll make it now

sweet tooth.

tasty new bands:

Your Vegas
Pilate
Fiction Plane
PINK FLOYD (why didn't I listen to them earlier?!)
Soundtrack from the movie Once

so many albums to add to my xmas wish list.

wow, there's actually snow!

i am home! i have missed my family muchies!

music from morn to night.

this is probably the best decision I could have ever made.

breathe

long you live and high you fly
smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
all you touch and all you see
is all your life will ever be
-- pink floyd

the void.

you tell me it's too much, can't make up your mind
so i stand here waiting hoping you'll be mine
i start to fall, and i start to dream
and i stand here hoping that i'll be seen
you and I, it's a tragedy
clinging onto broken strings, unfinished stories
pick up the pieces, bind them with me
the invisible ghost for all to see
your eyes won't wake up to me
it must be winter's lonely presense
- hark.

it's such a waste.

tonight I lack the strength to even move,
and you walked, now watch me die
but I know this is harder for you,
for love has let you down
and the road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
so walk, yeah walk on by
and I failed to give you everything you need,
for the fears, behind your eyes

i'm turning into my mother.

and if i ever fall
and land so hard i can't get up
your love reaches me from miles away
bringing me back to my feet
making me stronger everyday.

such a perfect thrill.

OMG... these lyrics are so beautiful woooow

this morning ends this thrill, for you just made your kill,
you took that dream and slowly slit its throat
the silence burns my ears, my senses are aware
the morning sun tears through last night's snow

do you know what i've been feeling,
did you know my mind was reeling,
have you ever seen the sun go down on such a perfect thrill
such a perfect thrill, for you just made your kill

there's blood upon this ground, there's silence in this town,
your crime has not yet frozen morning smiles
you know they'll track your feet, you know you've cut them deep,
you'll leave us now and walk those lonely miles

do you know what i've been feeling,
did you know my mind was reeling,
have you ever seen the sun go down on such a perfect thrill
such a perfect thrill, for you just made your kill

you turned your back,
broke from this track,
for empty halls where you fear calls,
slip through the door,
out into night,
you steal through town under moonlight

i've been blind lately, despite these crimes im wading in
you've got lies lady, but overtime i'll share your sin

with rain clouds pending a storm.

i am in love with pilot speed.

this broken part of me made me who i am.

these aches and pains
wait for the medication to relieve you
these hunger pangs and cravings
wait for the food to nourish you
these cuts and bruises
wait for your body to heal you
this broken heart
don't wait for someone to fix it, because it's all up to you.

the right words at the right time.

"It's a misery peculiar to would be writers. Your theme is good, as are your sentences. Your characters are so ruddy with life they practically need birth certificates. The plot you've mapped out for them is grand, simple and gripping. You've done your research, gathering the facts - historical, social, climatic, sulinary - that will give your story its feel of authenticity. The dialogue zips along, crackling with tension. The descriptions burst with colour, contrast and telling detail. Really, your story can only be great. But it all adds up to nothing. In spite of the obvious, shining promise of it, there comes a moment when you realize that the whisper that has been pestering you all along from the back of your mind is speaking the flat, awful truth: it won't work. An element is missing, that spark that brings to life a real story, regardless of whether the history or the food is right. Your story is emotionally dead, that the crux of it. The discovery is something soul-destroying, I tell you. It leaves you with an aching hunger."
-- The Life of Pi

every day is a bit more clearer.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
-- Henry Thoreau

new beats.

pick apart
the pieces of your heart
and let me peer in
let me in
where only your thoughts have been
let me occupy your mind
as you do mine

sucked in.

you speak so sweet
with words so delicate
like the glass i hope that will never shatter

rain go away.

i really need some stability in my life.
these last two weeks have been ridiculous. a crazy roommate, slashed tires, and i get to go through the joy of moving into a new place again. and then i move again in january. fuck.
juries are right around the corner, i have a combo performance next week, final exams are stacking up, concert review is due next thurs, i still need to find a job, and oh yeah, fix my tires. there goes my money for food for the rest of this month. ugh.

i'm still so lucky to have some of the most amazing people in the program help me out.
oh and my friend, jamal the pipe.

i love music.

in the long run, it will be worth it.

"it's that liberating feeling of independance that makes me appreciate all the fine things in life. i can give myself to people 100% and yet still retain who i originally am. why would i want to change that to 50%."

waking life!

so, i finally watched this movie that liz was telling me about.
it's called waking life, and it's changed my perception on a lot of things.

it's based on lucid dreams, and how there is a theory that you are living in a constant state of dream, and that one day you just won't be able to wake from your dream...

it's just super intense.

on another note, 3 weeks of school left until finals and juries. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

okay i can't finish this blog.

the first step.

it's that feeling of being next to you
that makes the planets spin faster.

sweet nothings.

you make me feel brand new.

tunnel and sky collide.

today feels like a new day.

then the first bullet was shot.

i try not to let the feelings i have for you show on my face.
they always win.

i'm a sore loser.

i enjoy monty python and fudgee-o's.

hello hectic november...
it's the last month of classes before exams/juries and i'm feeling the pressure.

recap:
so about two nights ago i moved into my new place. it's a cozy little house on lambert st., and my room is actually fully furnished this time. the ceiling of my room is painted of blue skies and clouds, and the walls are a baby blue. i'm living with troy and jason for the moment, but i'm sure in january i'll move into colin's place.

last weekend i travelled down to vancouver to visit my parents and buy my car. it took us three days to find the right one, and i'm happy with our purchase. it's a '95 blue toyota camry that's been rebuilt from head to toe. we purchased it from a sweet man who spent many hours into fixing up the car. he installed a new engine, spoiler, took care of the leather interior, fixed up the brakes and timing belt, and added a few little decorative touches. it's pretty cool! i can't hear the motor at all when i drive it, and it's smooth.

seeing my mother was much needed. she always cheers me up, she's my sunshine. i can't wait to see her pretty face again in december.

okay, now deadlines. thursday is my "so what" solo, next thursday my term paper for music history is due, i have to practice the jury tunes with those in my combo, and then prepare for final exams which will be here sooner than ever. i mean, it's already november. time's flying by so fast. aside from that i have to find a job asap so i can afford everything.

god, this will be interesting.

gems.

I'll drown my beliefs.To have your babies.I'll dress like your niece.And wash your swollen feet.Just don't leave.Don't leave.I'm not living.I'm just killing time.Your tiny hands.Your crazy kitten smile.Just don't leave.Don't leave.And true love waits.In haunted attics.And true love lives.On lollipops and crisps.Just don't leave.Don't leave.Just don't leave.Don't leave.

so many hearts in great demand.

love, it's a lovely thought

you have to care for it to keep it together.

when the floor turns to ice.

i try to breathe, but my lungs are heavy
i try to get warm, but shivers are crawling up my spine
i try to eat, but my stomach would rather grumble
i want to drink, but water won't cut it.

earl, the lobster.

i wonder what it is.
a break in the surface
resonating back and forth
absorbing and expelling
the creatures within come to life
swaying like tree branches to this beat.

a creation of what makes us.

progressions.

i can't stop blogging.

correction.

i can't stop fidgeting. i've been banging away on the piano since this morning. my heart is pounding like a jackhammer.
i can feel this, and i know it's all gonna work.
one gift i owe the lord for is the feeling of passion.

can't shake these vibes.

it's inescapable
unbreakable
tangible
and so, so fragile

it's dropped a billion times, yet it's still intact...
somehow.

calandar girl.

if i am lost for a day, try to find me
but if i don't come back then i won't look behind me
all of those things that i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day

december is darkest, in june there's the light
but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
i ran to the landing, a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night

calandar girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive
calandar girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive

i dreamed i was dying as i so often do
but when i awoke i was sure it was true
i ran to the window, through my head to the sky
and said whoever is up there, please don't let me die

but i can't live forever, i can't always be
one day i'll descend on a beach by the sea
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross
and i'll laugh about all that we've lost

calandar girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive
calandar girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive

january, february, march and then may, i'm alive
june, july, august, september, october, i'm alive
november, december, yah all through the winter, i'm alive

i'm alive.

(self-aware).

With age comes wisdom, and wisdom allows the evolution of man.

I've been in Cranbrook for four months now, and my time here is almost done. I leave back for Nanaimo this Sunday, and although I'll be sad to leave my good friends and family behind, I'll take the best memories and life-lessons back with me.

I've been unbelievably blessed in my life. I wish I had known this at an earlier age, but too often as teenagers we become so immersed in the smallest things, and stress about things that, now, seem so miniscule.

Everyone has their heart-breaking stories. Everyone has their good qualities, and their flaws. This summer has shown me just how selfish I have been, and how I'm trying SO hard to shut that little voice up inside... a little voice called ego.

Overcoming it is so hard, and so broad, that i've realized a quick victory is impossible, but can be obtained with patience. In reality, no one is flawless. By viewing everyone as equal - neither higher than them, and no lower than me, i've realized so much beauty in each and every individual. This view point has helped me meet some of the most amazing people. Everyday I receive so many gifts that I can no longer classify them as large or small.... they're instead, precious.

I love all my friends, and my family, so much. I love everyone who has been there for me in the past, and I'll love those that await me in my future. I love them as much as I love music... it changes in many different ways, but all music is beautiful. Regardless of what circumstance.

bright pink.

tomorrow calls for an escape from cranbrook...
ashers and i are taking our lavish lives (well, we like to think they are) to calgary for a few days.
and it's everything a couple of girlies could need...
shopping, drinking and partying.

thrills!

oh, you'll know.

we want to love everyone in the world

i'll make coffee, you'll read the paper.

talk about one crazy, crazy week.

since monday i've been on the go with vocal practice, little nick-nacks, friend visiting, and of course, hanging out with tiana. it's been nuts.

i had received a call from pat regarding my audition tape, and that's when i knew i had to stop being so lazy musically! so since monday i've been practicing my two chosen jazz songs (black coffee and lulluby in birdland by thee ella f...) as well as my major/minor scales and modes... yay. i have my full voice back :D today i have to practice with tim, and hopefully do the recording tomorrow and send it out asap. i'm not too worried.

the dreaded day had finally come and gone... tiana and her family have left for edmonton. i'm really happy for her. i feel super priviledged to have seen her almost everyday before she took off. but it was overly emotional for the both of us (we've been there for one another the moment we became friends) but it will be okay. i'm just so lucky to have come in contact with such an angel. we'll do our best to see one another, and we'll definently be sending e-mails constantly. i just know she's going to become one heck of a dancer, and probably even land a spot in "so you think you can dance". :D

now i have to go clean up some things, and then practice some more. tonight i'm super excited for. another rendezvous with ashley and the gang. can't waiiiit.

xo

who would ask for such a thing.

it's that lingering sadness that really pulls me down.

i need this.

i keep kicking myself away -
a dire attempt to break the surface
i really don't want to drown within you.

round and round.

.love comes in many forms
and i want to experience all the different kinds that are out there.
you can never have too much love.

major division.

i keep splitting myself apart.
if this is how it really feels,
i don't know if i'll want to take the risk

again.

other halves.

<33333333333.

on the move.

july is coming to a close, and august is already coming into view... so, so fast.
it's going to be a good month, and a sad one, because tiana is leaving early for edmonton to attend ballet school. i'm really excited for her though, because she's going to grow so much. she's going to fly sky high (as if she isn't flying high already).

on thursday i'm heading out with tiana's family for edmonton. i guess they're just finishing up the deal for their new house, and tiana and i will get to spend some quality girl time. we're going to take a trip to the west edmonton mall (i haven't been there in aaages) and shop a bit. i need a new bikini, and i'm sure they'll have some awesome ones waiting for me.

as for the nanaimo situation, i feel a lot better now that i've got some roommates! sarah-jane said she'd love to take me in. it's on harewood, just a few streets down from where i lived last year, on pine street. it's a pretty good neighbourhood. it's about a ten minute walk to uni, and a five minute walk to paul, dustin and suzy's place! it's going to be a greaaat year. the price is awesome too. i got majorly ripped off by my last tenant, but this is really nice.

my transportation to nanaimo also worked out wonderfully. nick is moving to victoria on the first of september, so his family offered to take me along. plus all my stuff is already at elizabeth's, so i only need to take my clothes and music supplies. woo woo

this month is going to go by super fast. can't afford to hold my breath!
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't excited.

x

horrible taste.

i put the blame on everything
when really i should just blame myself
because everything is just a product
of what i had feared.

i don't want this good feeling.

i'll mash it up
paint it black and blue
tear it up
burn it
and then toss it into a corner.

it's still there.

i'll watch from the sidelines.

it's when i fell into you.

some times i feel the fade in... and then the fade out.
captured within the suns rays and the sparks of cold water
the buzzing madness of those who attempt to contain the meteoric abundance of life
the only amount you can carry is nothing more than two hand fulls.

i need a tow truck.

this isn't courage.

i'm slowly dragging myself through all this
and i just want to stop.

feather fingers.

when you don't care, it's easy to lose track

of everything.

and so she said.

it's losing its beauty.

it's all styrofoam.

and now it seems like even this has lost its taste.

staring at the wall.

i've once again returned to my sanctuary
no one can hurt me here, or tell me what to do
deliberate whether i'm right or wrong
weak or strong
i'd rather be there than return to this town of make-believe
where everyone is under someone else's feet
you're constantly searching for all your flaws
covering them up from all their, "ha ha's"
and now you're accepted
so congratulations for being who you aren't
and living something that continues to tear you apart.

it was full a minute ago.

...within one second it became empty.

where did it go.

go ahead and take it
it's there for the taking
give, give, giving
it's a wonderful feeling
but no can can hear me
can't hear the sound of me breathing
i'm a pillar for you to lean on
a pillar for you to lean on
beneath the surface i'm breaking
cracking and shaking.

who am i

the reflection in the mirror
curtains flowing through and through
an open green pasture
one singular tree
i am attached
the world is spinning so fast
that nothing no longer makes sense.

called your bluff.

everything in my life is rush, rush, rush! with all honesty, i love it.
to summarize everything in the last week...
my cousins came over, stayed for 7 days, then left.
got hooked up with a very independent job.
sorted out all the odds and ends.
connections.
good-byes and hello's.

i've broken away from the internet and it's a good feeling. it's a time sucker, and i don't have any time to waste.

let bygones be bygones.